My thoughts on Family

Thanksgiving and Christmas have come and gone, and I have realized two things about my family. One, I can't stand them. Two, I love them with all my heart.

If you are relatively close to your family, you will understand exactly what I am talking about. Some days, it is incredibly hard to want to be around your relatives and anyone else whom you share a blood relation with. And I don't write this with intent to be rude or mean, there are just things in everybody that I don't particularly like. And then I am obligated to interact with them for a whole day. It is very tiring.

But I love them all dearly. My family has taught me a lot of things. My family has taught me that no matter how much time we spend apart and not talking, we will always come back together as one. And this usually involves really good food. I've learned that every one has different ways of resolving conflicts, and some work and some don't. I've learned to be flexible. Plans change, people run late, things come up. I've also learned to to be open to people outside our families. If someone brings someone with them for you to meet, it's for good reason and they want to feel accepted and loved, just like your relative does. So be kind, and be open to change. And babies. Be open to dealing with rowdy and destructive babies. I find it funny, on my dad's side, we now have a new generation of cousins coming up. One is my brother, 4, one is our cousin, 3, and another is our second cousin once removed, 15 months. So that was an interesting Christmas.

Family is sometimes hard to be around, and that's okay, you can't choose your family, so sometimes you wind up being related to people who have no emotional connection with you. You just have to roll with it and take it as it comes. It'll be difficult, but you should always try to be kind, be courteous, and learn from them if you can. Because if there's another thing I've learned recently, is that your family isn't going to be around forever. I think maybe that's why all of my grandparents are being kind of weird lately. I think they all realize that life is getting shorter for them, and they want to make the best of it. My great-grandmother just passed away about two weeks ago, and it made me realize how wonderful she was. I could write a whole blog post on her, and I probably will, too. Anyway, it made me realize that our family are the most influential people within our lives, whether we like to admit that or not.

And there may be some of you who don't really have a family. And I want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry you will never get to have the experience of a happy Christmas. I'm sorry you don't get to enjoy conversation across the table with people who love you. Or maybe you have a family, but they aren't supportive of you. And again, I'm so sorry. But you are beautiful, and you are meaningful, and you are not a waste of space. You are more than their judgments, you are more than their rude remarks. You are you, and that is good.

Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year,
Emily E.

Let's Talk About Death

My life seems to be permeated with death and the possibility of it recently. After all of our pets went to the vet, all of them have issues that cost too much to fix, and now all we can do is make them as comfortable as possible until their deaths. My cat has something in her lungs and heart, we don't know what, but she probably won't last many more months. One dog has cancer, and it's growing rapidly. The other dog has an enlarged heart, and is just plain old. They will die soon, and it will be so hard to handle.

I received news today that my great-grandmother went to be with Jesus earlier this morning, and the memorial service will probably be this weekend. She had a stroke eleven days ago, and hadn't gained the ability to swallow back. She had made it clear to my grandmother and her siblings that she did not want a permanent feeding tube, so she was moved to a high quality hospice center for comfort care. Mom and dad were just talking last night about going to visit her this weekend if she made it that long. God prepared our hearts for the end, but it still hurts a bit.

My great-grandparents were some of the godliest people I have ever met, and they lived their lives with a purpose and a passion for God and lost people that I have never seen in any other people. They were a team, and they traveled the world together looking to spread the name of Jesus and His wonderful salvation. He passed away about two years ago, and now she can finally be with her husband again, without the pain of disease and old age. I know they both were shown some of their impact near their last days, with my great-grandfather holding the eighth edition of his Old Testament Theology book in his hands, and with my great-grandmother being sent notes of how her scholarship at Belmont University helped make education available to students. They had such an impact on the world, and I don't doubt that hundreds of lives have been changed because of their willingness to follow God.

Death for Christians should not be a painful thing. Death has no true power of us, we still live for eternity in Heaven. Death means no more pain, no more suffering, no more anguish, no more sin. But for those of us left here, it still hurts. Why? Because we don't want to see them gone. We are selfish, we want them here with us. But we should take comfort in knowing, that if they are a Christian, and we are as well, there will be a reunion in Heaven, and it will be beautiful and joyous.

"O Death, where is your sting? O Hades, where is your victory?" 1 Corinthians 15:55.
Emily

Bare Nakedness and the Problem of Privacy

Before you say anything, I am not going to talk about physical nakedness, okay. Just putting that out there.

No, I want to talk about spiritual and emotional nakedness. Because no one ever talks about that. I hear Christian leaders and bloggers say all the time, guard your heart, guard your heart, guard your heart. They say this in a way that does not mean, guard your heart from temptation, but rather you as a young women or young man need to put up walls so that no one can get to your heart, and see the real, genuine you. At least, that's how I've felt about it. And personally, that is what I've done. I've built up walls so no one can see who the genuine me is.

Do you want to know the genuine me? Well, get prepared.

I am dead.

What? Not what you were expecting? Me either. but it's true. I wake up so many days, and I feel dead. Dead to the world, dead to myself, dead in every sense of the word. But I am awake, and i am breathing, and my brain is functioning. So am I not dead? Or am I a zombie? functioning in the basic sense, but going through life as uninterested and lethargic as I have ever been? No, that can't be possible. I am a Christian, Christians aren't supposed to feel like this! But yet... I do.

And who can I talk to? I can't properly communicate with my parents about this. We've tried, it ended with me trying not to cry in a Chinese Buffet. My friends aren't in college, they aren't in similar situations to me. The two people that I used to turn to with questions have both moved to 4-6 hours away. I have no one who will understand. At least not here. so, I'm going to tell you all about it.

I have shut down. Emotionally, mentally, and I wouldn't be surprised that my body doesn't start shutting down and getting sick. I don't know how this happened, but I know that I hate it. I HATE living life in a blur, in a daze, going through the motions, not seeing, not feeling. And I can't find a way out.

Stress. This is what stress does. And it isn't acute stress, that which spurs you into action until you complete that which needs to be done. This is chronic, painful, overwhelming stress, and I don't think anyone understands that. I have a job that is constantly changing and screwing me over, I have classes that are coming to an end and one that I'm failing, I have things to be saving up for, and Christmas that I feel obligated to participate in, and applications to finish, and junk to get rid of, and it has swallowed me whole...

How did I let myself get this way? When did this happen? What is the point of going to college when I verge on the edge of a mental breakdown? How am I going to be a proper, productive adult in this society if I can't be productive within my own house?

And what do you care? Some people across the internet, on the other side of the computer screen, reading random words strung together. What amount of satisfaction does this bring to you? Why do you feel the ned to read my words, my stories? They do not affect your life, they do not have anything to do with you. But yet, here I am, pouring my broken, hurting soul and worries out to you. Is it going to make a difference? I don't know.

And if you are out there and you feel the same way, you aren't alone. We can get through this. I've always heard people say that the bad doesn't last forever, so it can't get much worse can it?

Emily E.

Love and Pain

So, this blog is a place where I let you all know what is going on in my  life as a Christian, as a college student, as a person, and it should be my top priority to first and foremost be as honest with you as I can possibly be. That being said, I have to tell you that I have not been writing very much lately because I just haven't felt inspired to write. When I do get some sort of inspiration, I am too busy with other things to write it then, and when I'm not busy, I've forgotten and the thought is long gone.

I think what has happened is I've reached a point of depression again. I am increasingly busy, with school, work, moving, and applying to Liberty taking up the majority of my time. I haven't had any one-on-one time with God in months, and it's taken it's toll on me and my outlook on life. I'm going through the motions, with no internal motivation behind my actions. I go to work, because I have to pay bills and save up money for college. I go to school so I can cut down on the total expense of college. I packed up and moved house because I still live with my family and I needed to. But what have I done for myself? I don't mean this in any selfish way, but I feel like I have completely neglected myself since the semester started.

To make matters worse, I have become emotionally exhausted. I've noticed over the past two weeks that I have the hardest time finding the good in things, I've been faster to snap at others than I used to, I hardly ever smile anymore. Joy seems nonexistent and happiness has all but packed up and left town. Every song I hear seems sad somehow, every face seems worn with sorrow. Even my pets seem to be slowing down and preparing for death. It is hard to go to sleep at night knowing I'll dream of when I was happy, when life didn't seem so miserable. It is hard to wake up in the mornings knowing that the day will bring me nothing but stress and anxiety.

I classify as an ENFJ personality, which stands for Extroverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Judging. This means that I prefer the association of my friends, especially my close ones, than being alone; I run based off of feeling rather than rational thought. And if my feelings are not right, I do not function normally or efficiently. While this definition may sound as if I am classifying myself like a robot, it is true. I am not myself when I am like this. I am mopey, complacent, rude, and sluggish. Motivation is nonexistent, thus I do only what is required and even then I do the minimum to succeed.

But what is the worst about this, is that I relish it. By that I mean, I take these negative emotions, bottle them away inside, and hold on to them while listening to sad songs. I listen until it physically hurts my heart. Then I get up, and find something that will distract me and make me feel halfway decent until then. I look for the next tv episode, the next movie, the next book, the next whatever to keep me preoccupied. And when that is done, I feel even worse than before.

So what is going to make me better? The only thing that can make me better. Love. Not love from my family, from my friends, from a boy. But love from God. Love from Jesus. I started crying on the way home the other day as I realized that as much as I want someone to come in and sweep me off my feet, to come and give me a different life, that someone already did. The only reason Jesus came to earth was to love me.

Jesus is the Prince of Heaven. He has the second highest position in the Universe and in Time. Yet for some reason, He left all of that behind so He could show me, prove to me that He loved me. Jesus was trying to woo me. Jesus was trying to woo me. He wanted me to see how much He loved me and was doing everything in His power to make me see it. Guys, if that's not love, then love does not exist. Love is the reason for Jesus' earthly existence. It is the only reason. No one will ever love me like Jesus does.

And that makes me hurt even more. Because He loves me so much, He gave me everything He could. He gave His life for me, so I can spend the rest of existence with Him. When you think of it this way, Jesus was His own dowry. Jesus paid the cost of my soul so that I could spend the rest of my life with Him. Guys, when Revelation says that we are the bride of Christ, we are literally the bride of Christ. When Jesus came to Earth, not only was He pursuing us and trying to win our hearts, but He was proposing to us. As a Christian, I am married to Christ. My soul is His just like my body would be my husband's were I married.

And what have I given in return? Nothing. I've given Him nothing. I gave Him one summer out of eighteen years of life, if anything. But what kind of gift is that? That is nothing, I have given nothing. I have not given my job, I have not given my education, I have not given my heart, my entertainment. I would make a terrible wife. Yet, Jesus has not disposed of me, He has not divorced me. Better yet, He has called back to me, asking for me to come back. And I will always come running back. No matter what else distracts me, pulls me away, or hurts me.

Because no one will ever give me what Jesus gave me. Because no one will ever be available like Jesus is. Because no on will ever love me like Jesus does.

Updates and Stuff

So...this is long overdue, and I'm incredibly sorry about that. After school started back in August, life kind of took over and...yeah. So, any way, here's what's been happening in my life for the past two months.

So obviously, school has started back, and that has consumed the majority of my time. I also started my first job, which I absolutely love! I've also moved up to the college and career group at church, which was a very awkward transition for me, but it's actually really nice.  So between those three things, my life has been pretty busy nonstop. And then, on top of all that, my family and I are moving house...again. It just wasn't working out with the place we are in right now, so we took that as a sign that this wasn't the house God wanted us in. We have been looking into different houses in the area, and we found one that is almost perfect for our needs as a foster family. Six bedrooms, four bathrooms; it is a truly incredible house. The best part is that it is a foreclosure, and the inside has been completely redone. New carpets, new paint, new appliances, everything. Since it was in foreclosure, it was at a price we could afford. We are so blessed to be getting this house. God provides what His children need when they are faithful to ask! So we are beginning the process of packing and moving once again.

Things haven't been all happy rainbow sunshine though. About a month ago, I started experiencing some difficulty breathing, and we couldn't figure out what it was. I went to Minute Clinic later that week (I was not paid to say that by the way), and they said it didn't sound like asthma or any kind of respiratory infection, so they sent me home. But not until they looked in my ears and found a hole in my left eardrum.

Now, for those of you who know me personally, you will probably remember when my right ear drum ruptured. For those of you who don't, here's what happened. Back in 2011, my youth group was playing a game that involved water balloons and obstacle courses. I had gotten up off the ground and was immediately hit by a water balloon that had just been thrown. It was a complete freak accident, but what happened was the balloon didn't pop when it hit me. Instead, the latex (or whatever balloons are made out of) ended up going into my ear a little bit, thus creating a vacuum. Obviously, it didn't just stick to the side of my head, so when it fell and hit the ground, the vacuum caused my ear drum to be completely ripped out. So, I ended up having to get it replaced, which was actually really cool. But now I have to get the left ear drum replaced and it's going to be a hassle and it is going to be a big pain for all of us.

Anyway, I went to my primary care doctor last week to follow up on the breathing problem. She did some tests, and took some chest X-rays and she said there are no signs of infections or that asthma has resurfaced, as I can breathe out fine. She said she's sending the X-rays to a specialist and if anything else is found they'll call us. While that makes me feel better that my asthma hasn't come back, it still bothers me. My mom believes it may be anxiety, my body's reaction to having to adjust to the "grown-up" life. Having to work, and pay for things on my own, and things like that. While I don't feel anxious, that doesn't mean my mind isn't.

So, that has been really limiting to me, as I've wanted to start working out and get healthier, but I can't exercise safely if I can't take a good breath. I've also been trying to pick the clarinet back up, and I can't play if I can't get a good breath. Also, I have an audition for clarinet for the school's music program next week, so I'm really excited for that.

So this seems really long, but it's been two months and there are things you need to know. Also, with all of the moving and stuff, it is probably safe to say that I won't have a lot of time to blog for the next few weeks. So, if you don't hear from me until November, that is why.

In Christ,
Emily E.

What a Christian Is

I'm going to go into a rant, so if you don't want to read my angry words, please feel free to disregard this post completely.

Why does the world hate Christians as a whole? Because Christians hate themselves. Our modern church is not what it should be. It is divided and torn apart by theological differences and pure prejudice and bitterness. Because we are so extremely judgmental that we will kill those who are not like us or who differ in beliefs. We have killed in the name of Christ during the Crusades, the Civil War, and the Civil Rights movements of the 1960's. We shove down those who we think below us and we turn our noses up at them. We cause a stir in OUR OWN CHURCH FAMILES because we think that this person should leave and not come back. We can look someone in the eyes with a smile plastered on our faces and tell them that they are lower than dirt.

The world hates Christianity because we ourselves hate it. The word Christian means "little Christ", are we not supposed to be an example of Christ through our lives and through our words, actions, and reactions? But instead, what are we?

“Brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the wrath to come? Therefore bear fruits worthy of repentance, and do not think to say to yourselves, ‘We have Abraham as our father.’ For I say to you that God is able to raise up children to Abraham from these stones. And even now the ax is laid to the root of the trees. Therefore every tree which does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire." (Matthew 3:7c-10)

We are the hypocrites, the Pharisees, those who say one thing and do the other, those who taint the name of Christ with out foolishness and wickedness. If you claim to be a Christian, but live in a way that spreads hatred not only to nonbelievers, but to other Christians as well, Jesus says that you might as well be like a "Gentile and a tax collector" to the Body. This means the Christians around you may as well and throw you out of the church and turn their backs on you because you refuse to work towards peace.

A person who lives in hatred and bitterness towards other Christians and denominations are not okay; they have a sin problem and they need to get their hearts right with God.

I have heard recently from one of my friends who is going to seminary to be a pastor that a lot of the students there will stop going to chapel services because they become bitter and angry towards other students and chapel services because they had a certain preconceived notion of their own about what a "Christian" should act or look or talk like. Those that don't meet the standards one holds aren't worthy of one's time, nor are they apparently worthy of one's compassion and brotherhood.

Let me let you all in on an apparently little known secret. A Christian is a person, and subsequently a sinful human, just like anyone else. The only exception I or anyone else has is that we have been saved by accepting the grace that was offered to us at the Cross. Every person is different, thus not fitting into one mold, and we all have our problems, thus making us imperfect. There will be very few Christians who meet your standards of what a Christian should be, and I can almost guarantee that you won't find them sitting in a Southern Baptist church.

I think what has happened is that our world has somehow screwed up the image that comes to mind when we think of Christians. So let's break down this mold and let's refocus on what the Bible says a Christian is to be like. First of all, let's talk about what a Christian is not.

A Christian is not perfect. This seems like a shock to a lot of people, but I don't know a single perfect person, let alone a perfect Christian. The word "perfect" is found 85 different times in the New King James Version of the Bible. There is not a single occurrence in which this word refers to the present spiritual state of the body of Christ. There are mentions of us growing to perfection, of God perfecting that which He started in us, but there is nowhere that says that anyone of us is perfect. The only perfect man was Jesus.

A Christian is not sinless. Again, this comes as a shock. Christians aren't supposed to sin anymore, so why are they not sinless? Just because we accept Jesus as our Savior, does not mean we turn into Jesus. That would be like me getting a bike as a birthday present, then turning into the bike. It doesn't make sense, nor is it practical. If we could become sinless through belief, then what was the purpose of the cross? It also helps to understand that the word "sin" comes from the Greek word that would be used in archery competitions to say if the archer had missed the mark and to shoot again. So, the idea behind this is that, sin is not necessarily doing something evil, but rather it is us straying from the path of righteousness and missing the mark that God has set out for us to reach.

A Christian is not a source of infinite wisdom. Look, we are all human. There is an entire universe of knowledge that we will never know, and most of us don't have any sort of special academic abilities. We, Christians, are going through life just like you are, and for the most part, we don't have any idea what we're doing, just like you as well. I most definitely have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. There is no way anyone should ever come to me for wisdom, because I make some really stupid decisions. We all do stupid things, we don't gain any sort of mystery knowledge when we are saved.

A Christian is not a judge. Okay, so this one is really hard to debunk, because sadly, it's all too prevalent in our churches today. I for one would like to say, that if you have ever been judged or have felt belittled by a Christian or by a member of a church, or anyone else who affiliates with the term Christianity, I am truly sorry. And if I have ever judged anyone, I apologize for that. We are just as human as the next, but we have no reason to put you down.

So now let's talk about what a Christian is, or more specifically, what the Bible says a Christian should be. First, A Christian is characterized by love. In Matthew 5:42-47, Jesus makes it clear that the old Jewish law not only stated to love God, but to love others as an outpouring of your love for God. And Christians are not meant to love only other Christians, but to love those who are our enemies; those who are not of the faith. Because "if you love those who love you, what reward have you?" A Christian who loves God will follow His commandments and His path for their life (John 14:15, Luke 16:13). One of the greatest commandments given is "Love your neighbor as yourself" (Matthew 22:39). As Christians, it is our job to love God, and love others. These are the defining factors and characteristics of a Christian.

As much as I would like to say that there are more things that Christians are, that pretty much puts a cover over everything I could break it down into. If you love someone, you have a passion geared towards them. That passion will create desire, and that in turn creates in us the inexplicable need to move on that desire. If we love someone, we want the best for them. We want them to have the best life possible, so why not tell them about the chance to have the best life possible not only here and now on earth, but after we get to heaven as well? When it comes down to it, a true Christian is a person who has accepted the gift of salvation through the Lord's death on the cross, and who loves God, loves people, and acts on the love they have.

Love In Christ,
Emily E.

Home

So, I've been home for a week and a few days now, and I must say, it's just as it was before I went to Canada, but it is different as well. Part of me wants to stay and fall back into the routine of utter and disgusting laziness, and part of me wants to rise against that as it has for the last seven weeks. I do not know what to do with myself. I want action, but I want inaction. I want change, but I do not want to start the process. I want revival, but I also want complacency.

This week has consisted of cleaning, school orientation, and job searching stuff. My mom told me back a while ago that when I got back there would be a job opportunity available here for me. So I looked into it, had an interview earlier today, and am now an official crew member at my local Firehouse Subs! I've also been trying to set up classes for this semester, and have been going through such a hassle with it. First I had to call the welcome center, then I had to sign up for online orientation, then I had to do the orientation, then I have to either wait for them to call me back, then they didn't call me back, so I had to call them this morning. Turns out, they're not taking appointments right now, only walk in's.So first thing tomorrow morning I'm heading up to the school at seven am. I have to meet with an adviser so I can get the classes I want. If I don't get the classes, I can't graduate on time, and if I can't graduate on time, then I can't go to Liberty on time and it will screw up my plans...of course, it's not about my plans, is it?It's about what God has planned.

Last week while I was still in Vancouver, my parents told me we are not staying in this current house. We believe we were simply a means of blessing to two families in their time of need, and we are now currently getting the house ready to be shown...and we have to keep it that way at all times.I don't do well with continuous clean. My brain does not work with continuous clean. I have to have some form of clutter to distract me when I get to frazzled. Then I clean it up. Maybe. I might actually just make some more messes. But for now, I have to buckle down on keeping it clean. we're apparently looking into finding a house that has something along the lines of a separate mother-in-law's quarters or a garage apartment or something for me, so I have semblance of independence, but mom and dad and food are still right there when I need them.

So, now that I am starting school back again, and I am starting my first job, and we're focusing on moving again, this blog might become a little less updates, and more musings and expository writings and stuff. I don't know if I want to continue with the Musical Mondays or not, I think that would be up to you, my wonderful readers. I am truly thankful for every single person who reads this blog, and I hope that you take away fro it as much as God and I have put into it. I have readers from all around the world, and I love each and every one of you, so your opinions matter deeply. If you enjoy the past Musical Mondays posts, comment and let me know so, if I get a good response I'll keep trying to make them.

In Christ,
Emily E.

Musical Mondays - Emily Meadows - Coming Home

I wrote this song a couple of months ago. It pretty much sums up how I'm feeling today. I don't think any explanation is needed.

On my way back to the place I knew as a child

On my way back to the place where I used to smile

On my way back to the ones with open arms

Back to the place where I am safe from life’s harms

On the way back to the place my memories grew

On my way back to the place where I found You

On my way back to the place I hold so dear

Back to the place where they can comfort all my fears

Though I walked away when I

Thought I could make it on my own

Eventually we all knew that

I would always come back home

I’m going home

I’m going back to the love I knew

(I’m going home)

I remember how much I needed You

(I’m going home)

I’m going back to the ones who guided me

I’m going home

On the way back to the place my memories grew

On my way back to the place where I found You

On my way back to the place I hold so dear

Back to the place where they can comfort all my fears

Though I walked away when I

Thought I could make it on my own

Eventually we all knew that

I would always come back home

I’m going home

I’m going back to the love I knew

(I’m going home)

I remember how much I needed You

(I’m going home)

I’m going back to the ones who guided me

I’m going home

I walked away, didn’t even look back

But they held on, held their memories in their hearts

I turned away, didn’t say goodbye

But they kept their arms open for me

I’m going home

I’m going back to the love I knew

(I’m going home)

I remember how much I needed You

(I’m going home)

I’m going back to the ones who guided me

I’m going home

In Christ,

Emily E.

From the Field- Final Update

It is 2:30 pm. I am completely packed and ready to go. In four hours, I will be at debriefing starting the end of my time here in Vancouver.  In two days, I will be on a plane heading to Chicago on the first part of my journey home. I am not prepared to leave. I do not have any desire to leave. As I go, I am leaving a very large part of my heart behind. And that is okay. Falling in love with a city is okay. Falling in love with a church and with an ethnic group is okay.

Mourning over the loss of them is not okay. I will miss Vancouver, but I will not be overcome by sorrow when I return home. I will not allow my longing to be back debilitate me from working back at home. I will not let it hold me back from my studies, I will not let it hold me back from whatever ministry I may have at home.

Because as great as this summer has been, it has to come to an end now. And I'm okay with that. I have made friendships that will last a lifetime, if not this one, than the one in eternity. And hopefully, we'll all see each other again someday.

I'm so thankful for the opportunity to come to Vancouver this summer, and I'm so thankful for all your prayers. Continue to pray for me while I travel and readjust to life back at home. There are a lot of things that are going to be going on when I get back, so I'm going to have to bounce back into the swing of things quite quickly.

As for school plans, I am still going to finish my Associates degree when I return. I will have that completed within the year, so that will take up a lot of time. I will be looking for a job as well, and will begin my journey into the adult world! (yay.)

In Christ,
Emily E.

Some Thoughts

So...it's been a while since I just sat down and let you all know what's going on with me.As you should know, my time here in Canada is coming to a close soon; We have six days of ministry left, then two days of debriefing, then we all fly out next Saturday. It seems so surreal to think about leaving, and like I said before, a very large part of me wants to stay here. I have fallen in love with my students, and this church, and this city, and all the people who call it home. But...I am ready to go home to my family. I am ready to sleep in my bedroom, with it's aqua painted walls and plywood flooring (don't ask). I'm ready to hug on my family, and to see everyone back at FBC Glen St. Mary. I'm ready to start school again, as much as I dislike saying that. I'm ready to be able to drive myself places instead of waiting on public transit. I'm ready to go home.

Yes, there are parts of me that are going to hurt when I leave, but it's all part of the process. I think the biggest thing I'm afraid of is how I'm going to react spiritually to being back home in the familiar. I don't want to get back, get caught up in all the work that comes with looking for a job and starting classes, and making a budget and saving money, and keeping an organized calendar, because I'm an adult and I have to do these things for myself now. I don't want to get back home and look how people spent their summers and think that they wasted them because they didn't do something big, or exciting, or productive. I don't want to carry myself with a self-righteous attitude. But, most of all, I think my biggest problem with going home, is that I don't want to go back, turn around, and move up to the college and career class. I want to go back to the youth group, where all of my friends are, even if we are still looking for a full time youth pastor.

As I've been reflecting on my time here, I've realized that this trip was just as much about God working through some things in my life as it was about God using me to reach people. There were a lot of questions that I didn't know I had, and there were some things from my past that I didn't realize I needed to come to terms with. Being up here, interacting with a lot of different people who had a lot of different lifestyles and problems helped me see some of mine. I've been doing a lot of praying, and a lot of crying, for a lot of different reasons that I can't really tell you yet. Some things involving plans for my future are still a little foggy for me, and some of the things involving my past are a little too sensitive right now. One day, though.

But for now, I know from what others have told me, and from the satisfaction that my soul gets from it, that writing and teaching on God's Word is what I am passionate and gifted at. Even though I had an idea to be a short-term missionary after I finished up this next year of school, I think I should continue with my bachelor's degree after I get my Associate's. I do think I'm going to try for Liberty, but there are a few other school I want to look back into now.

So that's what's been going on with me, personally, while I've been up here. I don't know what going home is going to be like, I don't know what I'm expecting. As much as most of us dislike believing, the world keeps going even when we're not around. People have been living their lives back at home, and I'm sure they've changed as people do. So we'll see what happens.

In Christ,
Emily E.

From the Field - Quick Updates

I just realized I haven't been giving you readers any updates! So I'm going to give you guys the last two email updates that I sent back home.

From July 9:

Sunday, I taught my first lesson. After debating for the past few weeks on what I should teach on, I believe the Richmond youth needed to hear about making biblical principles a priority. So I have started a six-session series I am calling Priorities: Six Godly Principles As Exampled By Jesus. I feel many of these kids are truly born again believers, but they aren't focused or don't know how to follow Christ. By taking the title of Christian, you are calling yourself a follower of Christ, and I want them to see how they can do that by simply applying how Jesus lived to their own lives. A lot of the kids also don't really put spiritual things at the top of their list of important things. They may or may not come to church or other church related events, simply because they had other plans that sounded better, or because they just didn't want to.

So pray for the youth that they would open their ears to what God wants them to hear and that God would take hold of their hearts and threat they would feel the urge took truly build their relationship with God.

Also pray for the first Friday session coming up this week. We had ten kids on Sunday, which is a pretty big group for them. Fridays, however, they don't really have a core group. This bothers me. Their Friday nights are like our Wednesday nights, except they meet at other people's houses. I know Fridays are the night to go on dates and have fun, but I would love to see some more people come. So pray that they feel the need to come on Friday.

In other news, we (the entire Vancouver intern group, there were ten of us) went and climbed the Grouse Grind, which is an intense trail up the Grouse Mountain. So I climbed another mountain. It was pretty hard, but not nearly as hard as The Chief in Squamish. I was still at the end of the pack with one of the other girls, but we had a nice time all the same. This time, we hiked in the evening, and we got to watch the sunset from the top and rode the lift down. Needless to say, I am very sore and tired.

Also, I believe I am getting sick. I woke up with nasal drainage and a scratchy throat, so please pray that it doesn't get any worse and that I heal soon.

From July 18:

First of all today, I would just like to say thank you. Thank you for all of your prayers and encouragement you sent last week while I was feeling icky. I truly believe it helped me recover faster. Thank you to everyone who has been diligent in prayer. I'm sorry I haven't been able to send updates and requests as often as I'm sure you would like.

Thank you specifically to the youth group. I finally picked up the letters you sent me yesterday, and I read them while waiting for my bus. I truly miss each and everyone of you, and am honestly surprised by the impact I have made within the group. I never realized the role I played in the youth group, so thank you for helping me see that. Thank you for stepping up and praying for me while I am here, it means the world to me that my friends are actively working to help supply me with the strength and energy I need to continue my work each day. I love you all and cannot wait to see you again soon.

Update time. This past week has been incredibly busy, and I don't think there will be any slowing down until I'm done. Last Friday at small group, we talked about reaching out to the outcasts of society like Jesus did, and the students really took that to heart and showed an interest in wanting to reach out to homeless people. Sadly, there is an overwhelming number of homeless people in Vancouver and the surrounding suburbs. You can't go to the sky train station without seeing at least one. You can't go down Granville Avenue without hearing the sounds of young homeless buskers hoping to make some cash. You can't go down Hastings without seeing all of the homeless people, stuck in their squalor and addictions. And these students, many of whom came from very well-off families, who have never truly known hunger, have found it in their hearts to reach out to them. We continued this discussion Sunday during Sunday School, and we talked about the first steps in helping to restore the broken lives around us. While we by no means are miracle workers, we all agreed to take on the mindset that Jesus had: That we must operate on the assumption that we have a wonder working God who delights in restoring lives that seem irrevocably shattered, and that the people around us are a miracle waiting to happen. So pray for the students and for me as I begin to look for ways the group can go downtown and minister to these broken people.

Also, please, please pray for the Chinese Christian Gospel Church. Seth (the youth pastor) and his family are moving back to Texas later this month. Seth has been going through some things and he needs to take some time away from the ministry. The church is now looking for another pastor, or someone to fill in until they find a pastor. Pray for Seth as he continues to recuperate over the next year, and for Meredith (his wife) as she goes back to teaching in Texas. Meredith and their son Monte leave sometime today, so pray for safe travels for them.

Finally, I want to ask you all to not only continue praying for me as I work here to do God's will, but that I may have a clear direction to go after I return home. I have fallen in love with these students and this city, and in all honesty do not want to leave, but I made a promise to finish at least one degree, and will have to return home to complete my Associate's degree. After I graduate, there are so many different paths I could take, so many different experiences, and all of them seem inherently good, which makes it all the more difficult to see which one is not only good, but which is the right one that God would have me follow. Please pray that I find the emotional strength to carry on while here, as there have been several day recently where I have felt stuck in a rut of emotional indifference, and do not want to do anything at all. This is not a new feeling for me, as I deal with it quite a lot at home, but please pray that I find the strength to fight against it for the sake of my students, if nothing else.

Continue to pray for Stephen and Morgan as well, as they take on teaching at the other three locations. They are also hosting a game night tomorrow night, so pray that it all goes smoothly for them.

So, that is what has been happening lately. I have 9 more days of ministry with CCGC, which means my time is coming to an end. Please pray for me as I start to wrap up my lessons.

In Christ,

Emily E.

2 am

So it's 2 am, and I can't sleep.

I have thirteen days left in Canada. I have eleven days of ministry left.

I do not want to go back home. I do not want to go back to school. I do not want to go back to living with my family. I do not want to get back on a plane. I do not want to watch my team members get on different planes than me. I do not want to leave my students. I do not want to leave Vancouver. I do not want to lose my passion. I do not want to go back to mundane living. I do not want to go back to being surrounded by people with the goal of furthering the numbers of the church. I do not want to forget God. I do not want to put God back in the box.

But at the same time, I want to see my family again. I want to hug my little brother. I want to watch TV with my sister. I want to have a real conversation with my dad. I want to eat at my mom's table. I want to talk to my friends. I want to take bible classes. I want to listen to my pastor preach. I want to see my music minister one more time. I want to hold my cat close to me. I want to sit at NY keyboard and play for three hours. I want to break out my clarinet and make horrid squeaks until music comes out of it again. I want to run around the yard with my dogs. I want to help my mom pick berries and mint, and put up corn. I want to play dress up. I want to wear an actual dress to church.

I don't want to leave, because I've fallen in love. I've fallen in love with this city, with this church, with my team, with the people of this city. But I want to go home to the others I love. I want to go back to my family, my friends, my church.

Why must God give us a passion, send us somewhere, then send us away again? Why must I stay for a little while then move on? Why can I not travel the world from place to place instead of going  home? Why must this be so hard? I've made a home out of Vancouver, I don't want to leave.

I'm coming back one day, some day, soon.
Emily E.

For the Young Ones

Can I talk to the young people for a minute? Adults, please pass this on to your children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, and students. I want to tell you guys something that is of the utmost importance.

God does not have any grandchildren.

Now those of you who have grown up in the church are looking at this right now and thinking, "Well, duh, Emily. Of course not, we are all God's children. The Bible doesn't say anything about grandchildren." And you are absolutely correct.

What I mean is that you cannot inherit your family's faith. Just because your parents are Christians (or Muslim, Buddhist, or any other religion for that matter) and took you church every Sunday as you grew up does not make you a Christian. Just because you were raised to believe there is a God does not make you a Christian.

You are not born into a relationship, you are born into an institutionalized religion. You are fed Bible stories and Christian songs and Christmas plays from your toddler years, but that does not make you a Christian. Just because you were in every musical, went to every vacation Bible School, attended church every Sunday morning, and every Wednesday and Sunday night, does not make you a Christian. It makes you a religious statistic.

You are not a Christian just because your parents or grandparents are. You become a Christian through your faith and allegiance to the King of Heaven. You become a Christian by admitting your sins and committing your life to serving a man who gave His life up for you.

You know what else? This time in your life is the most flexible and free time you will ever have. This is the perfect time to be fully committed to serving God and answering His calling. This is the perfect time to move. It breaks my heart to see so many of my peers and my closest friends wasting the most influential time of their life because they don't care.

You need to care. You need to find that passion for something more than clothes, sports, grades, and dating. We are talking about finding a passion for the Kingdom of God. All that other stuff, it's okay, but it is not what your life revolves around.

For those of you who are Christians, I want to refer to you a verse that I'm sure you've heard many times in the church. 1 Timothy 4:12 says ,"Let no one despise your youth; instead, you should be an example to the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity." Let me explain what this verse is not saying. This verse is not saying, "Be stuck up and arrogant because you're young." It's not saying, "Live it up and party while you can because YOLO."

This verse is saying, "Don't let the adults opinions bring you down. Don't be discouraged by other's opinions. Keep found what you're doing for Christ's Kingdom." This verse says very specifically, "Be an example to believers," not the world, the church.

Be an example in speech. If you're a Christian, "no foul language is to come from your mouth, but only what is good for building up someone in need, son that it gives grace to those who hear." (Ephesians 4:29) Those f bombs you like to drop? Yeah, stop it. Now. Those curse words you like to sprinkle into your language on Facebook and Twitter? Delete them. Not only is it rude and uncalled for, but the Bible specifically calls against it. Does that statement build up someone? No? Then don't say it. Does that, "That's what she said joke" make someone's statement crude and irrelevant to the conversation now? Yes? Then hold your tongue and keep your mouth shut. Do the words hoe, slut, or skank uplift that girl? Do the words stupid, whack, or nigga, or gangsta build up that boys self-identity? Then don't address them as such. Your words are meant to be encouraging and uplifting, not slanderous and degrading.

Be an example in conduct. "All bitterness, anger and wrath, shouting and slander must be removed from you, along with malice. And be kind and compassionate to one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ" (Ephesians 4:31). In other words, behave yourself. The way you act in public directly reflects not only your family and how they raised you, but also your God for whom "We are now ambassadors" (2 Corinthians 5:20). So all that rowdiness and not very smart stunts you and your friends pull? Yeah, don't. You shouldn't be extremely loud either, as you can see. Be kind to others, because who wants to associate with a God whose followers are rude?

Be an example in love. I'm not going to quote the entirety of 1 Corinthians, but let me point out a few things. This is not talking about the kind of love you have towards your family, your friends, or even to your husband or wife. This is talking about spiritual love. Deep, meaningful love. Love is patient. If someone is in your way, be patient, maybe they're having a problem. Love is not boastful or conceited. If you did this big awesome thing and it's so cool and you're so proud of it, good for you. We're all happy for you, great job! But please, don't rub it in our faces every chance you get. Love keeps no records of wrongdoings. If someone hurts you, find it in your soul and by the help of God, forgive them, and forget about it. Put it in the past, it is irrelevant.

Be an example in faith. In the movie Amazing Grace, which chronicles the story of William Wilberforce and his drive to abolish slavery in England, one of the characters, William Pitt, states," We're too young to realize certain things are impossible. Which is why we will do them anyway." That is the faith we should have. We do not know if anything is possible, but we believe that God can do anything, so we jump at the chance to do things for God. Faith is about action. About moving. We are too young to worry about what the world thinks of our radical Christianity, we are young, and therefore have the audacity to move when God tells us to.

Be an example in purity. You guys, society, and sadly everyone in churches now, expect you to have sex before marriage. If you are in a relationship for longer than six months, it is expected that you have done it. You can't have a healthy relationship without having sex. This is a lie. We are supposed to be an example! Why aren't we stepping up to the challenge of standing for purity and a clean heart in this world that advocates sexual experimentation? This is not just a physical purity, this is about your heart. There is so much I could say about this, but I need another post to fully go into it.

Your time, OUR time, is now. It's not after college, it's right now. What are you being held back by that you cannot fully commit yourself to the work of God? If it's a person, sever those ties. If it's a job, quit it. God will provide for you being faithful. If it's your family, move out. God has called you to something bigger than what you're doing right now.

Please. Please, don't waste these years. You were made for so much more than this.

Burdened in Christ,
Emily E.

Oppositions

This world we live in is full of different ideas, religions, and opinions. In our society, we have such contrasting ideas, each thinking it is right, that sometimes we cause an intellectual, theological, and political stalemate. We have doubts, not only about the opposing side's opinions but about our own as well. When we confront our own doubts and learn the truth about them, we stand stronger in our beliefs, and can represent with more boldness and clarity than before. When we dig into the doubt of the other side, we can represent their opinions, and still keep ours intact. Though we may not be in agreement, we can still stand in a mutual understanding. Instead of throwing blind, one-sided accusations, we can come to a mutual disagreement. It is not about proving the other wrong; it is about respect. When we show respect, we show not only maturity but humility and civility. To respect those you agree with is incredibly easy. To respect those who think against you is incredibly hard. It is hard, but not impossible. It takes a mind willing enough to view the problem from all sides, but stubborn enough to hold firm in the face of unsupportive evidence. We are a generation open to new ideas, yet strong-willed enough to fight for our own. We are a generation open to intellectual challenges but are not easily confused. We will fight that the sky is orange, even if it clearly blue. We will take a stance that seems unorthodox, but when inspected falls in line with the oldest of tradition.

I stand on the side of stubborn pride. I refuse to be proven wrong. I will fight until you understand my views. I will easily forget to listen and explore your views, though. I am trying to be better about it, but it takes a lot of work to stop being selfish. I am willing, just not in the heat of the debate. I can listen, just not when I think what I have to say is more important. I am a reason we have a problem in society. I am the stubborn, the intolerant.

But what if I, and those like me, weren't? What if instead of intolerance — which is not necessarily being rudely against a viewpoint, but rather a certain fear and even ignorance of that view — we were receptive to hear their side of the story? What if we were not only willing to hear but were willing to really listen? What if instead of thinking about our next comeback, we take in what they have to say and truly think about their opinions? What if instead of being rude, we were civil and kind in our words? What kind of world would we live in?

Now consider this. God nor Jesus ever promised peace for Christians. We were not promised that everyone would love us because we are those chosen to inherit the Kingdom of Heaven. In fact, Jesus says the exact opposite. We will be persecuted in His name. Almost all of the 12 were killed as a result of their unwavering faith. We are not meant to be given peace. We are meant to be given the exact opposite. We are promised ridicule, persecution and abandonment. We do not live in the perfected earth yet, and we won't for some time. We live in the world that is ruled by Satan and by evil. As a result as pilgrims in this hostile land, we are not going to have rest, not now, at least.

When people say the world hates Jesus, I sometimes find myself disagreeing. When Jesus walked the earth, it was not the sinners that hated Him, it was the church. The Pharisees, the priests were the ones who put Him on a cross, they were the lines who arrested Him and put Him on trial. The sinners loved Jesus because He brought them hope. Jesus reached out to them, the ones the church ridiculed.

The world today doesn't hate Jesus. If given a true example of the love of Jesus, I'm sure many more would be willing to put their trust in Him. No, the world hates the church. The bigoted, harsh people who persecute and destroy in the name of our God. Those who led the Crusades, and the ones who claimed lands for their countries and their God. No, the world hates us because we hate them. We turn our noses up at the homeless, we give the cold shoulder to the pregnant girls, afraid and alone. We shout labels and venomous sneers at the sinners, the homosexuals, the alcoholics, the drug addicts when we forget that we are just as unworthy of Christ's sacrifice as they are.

We are no better than this world, but we believe that we are. We are just as sick and twisted in our cold dead hearts as they are. So shame on you, you who gives the disapproving glance to the scantily dressed girl. Shame on us, who close our doors to those of different cultures. Shame on me, who walks by the homeless without a second thought. Shame on the church, for their legalistic lies. And shame on our hearts, for becoming hardened to the troubles of the world.

The world hates Jesus because the Jesus they see in us is a judgemental, biased jerk. They hate Jesus because we hate Him. If we loved Him, we wouldn't slander His name. If we loved Him, we wouldn't hate them. If we loved Him, we would become like Him.

For more on this, please listen to God Is Not A White Man by Gungor.
Emily E.

Describe Him

How do you describe God? Some call Him Father, some say Creator, others Savior. But how do you describe Him? Is He that Father you longed for as a child? Is He an Almighty Power who spoke the universe into motion? Or is He your Savior? The One who put His life on the line for you, and ultimately gave it up. How do you describe God?

To me, He is all these things. Though I have an earthly father, whom I love dearly, God is my heavenly Father. He gives me things my dad never can. He gave me hope for a better life, He gave me strength in those moments when I am weak. He gave me peace when my heart is troubled.

He is not just the Creator, He is my Creator. He gave me eyes to see the beauty of His world, ears to hear the joy in a loved one's laughter, hands to hold a precious child. He gave me a heart to love with, a mind to think and reason with, and a soul to serve with. He gave me passions, desires, and emotions. He gave me words to speak encouragement with. He gave me life and a world in which to live. He gave me everything I have,

He is, above all, my Savior, my Master, my Lord who valued me so.  He came to live in ridicule, He came to pay the price of my sin. He came so that He could wipe away every stain of pride, greed, maliciousness and dirtiness off of me. He stands now, constantly fighting for my soul, that I may become the best servant I can be. He stands to bear witness to His Father, our Father. He stands and cries out that I am doing good work for Him, that my works are pleasing to Him.

So, what do you call God? Do you call Him, Father? Do you call Him, Creator? Or do you call Him, Savior?

In Christ,
Emily E.

From the Field - Camping Update

I'm so sorry this has taken a while to get up. Stuff has been happening in my life personally and I've been trying to sort it all out. Needless to say, this leaves my brain feeling quite fried and unable to properly write. But that is no excuse, and I am finally sitting down to write.

On Monday (7/1) we all arrived safely back to Vancouver from the camping trip in Squamish. As much as I hated sleeping on the ground in a tent, I honestly didn't want to leave. I love the forest, mountains, nature, and the feeling of being physically closer to God when you aren't surround by high rises.

So on Friday, after the boys got on the wrong train and my group of kids from Richmond all arrived at our meeting place late, we all met up at Patterson Sky train station, packed up the bus and headed out on time at 1 o' clock. When we arrived, Seth, Austin, and the Abilene group were already there with the sites and tents already set up.

We got settled in, had worship, then split into small groups. I was in charge of leading a group of kids going into 9th and 10th grade, and they were very curious. Since they were younger, we ended up getting done a lot sooner than the other groups simply because they didn't have that much to say about the lessons. They did, however, have a lot of very good questions about a broad range of subjects, including abortion, gay marriage, and Satan's power over sin and temptations. I don't know if any of them actually listened to what I had to say, but it was very encouraging to know that they were investigating their faith for themselves.

Saturday, we woke up, had breakfast, worship, study groups, then a group of us went hiking down to some railroad tracks we found. Being the fearless explorer (or the stupidly curious mind) that I am, I found a little walkway down from the tracks where the waterfall emptied into the lake up there. There was a little "beach" that was really just a smoothed over rock, and some driftwood. I went back and called everybody else over, and we all had a grand time climbing and exploring and having a fun time getting to know one another.

Sunday, after morning stuff, we all went and hiked a mountain! There was a point about ten minutes in where most of the people stopped, but the older kids and adults could keep going if they wanted to. So I did. It was simultaneously the worst and best decision of the weekend. While I was the last one to the top of the mountain (and I mean all the way up the peak) I did make it all the way up. And it was so worth the tiredness, shaking legs, and sunburnt face. To get to the top and to see the entirety of the area was absolutely astounding. Words cannot describe the beauty in which God moves and creates. I can never understand how people who have experienced Creation in this way could look at it and say there is no God. To look at the sheer enormity of the mountains and realize how comparatively small you are, then say there is no way you could believe in an almighty, beautiful Creator is beyond me.

Anyway, it took me two and a half hours to climb all the way to the peak, and about an hour and fifteen to come back down. Along the way, I learned something very important, something that God has been trying to tell me for a while. I learned that I was not made to be stationary. I was made to move, to be the hands and feet of God. How can I do that if my daily routine consists of sitting on my bed with my laptop on my belly? As absurd as it sounds, God has been trying to get me to be active, and in a city like Vancouver, you can't not be active. Yes there is public transit, but you have to walk to a majority of the places you want to go. My legs are in so much pain right now. It hurts to stand up, I can't seem to fill my stomach because my metabolism has increased with the increase in simple physical activity. I'm trying to not eat a lot of food because I don't want to eat myself out of house and home. But yet I need that energy to continue. It is a strange problem, now that I write it out, but I think it's a good problem.

Monday was also Canada Day, which is their Independence Day. Needless to say, after this weekend in the mountains and Monday in Vancouver, I definitely could be Canadian (or at least apply for dual citizenship, but that wouldn't make my parents very happy, would it?) After we all got back to our houses and recouped for a little while (which translates to charged our phones and tablets), we all met back up at the downtown street fair that was going on. We were going to meet back up with the Abilene, Texas group, since they had gone kayaking earlier, but they ended up staying on a mountain to watch the fireworks. So it ended up being me, Stephen, Morgan, and two of my kids from Richmond. It was a wonderful time and the fireworks were some of the best I've seen in person. Since I'm probably not going to be able to watch the Independence Day fireworks from D.C., I was more than willing to sit and wait in the grass by the water for two hours.

On Tuesday, I met with Seth and the boys to talk about plans for this week, then the three of us (the interns) went and met the Abilene group in Gastown so we could spend one more day with them before they left on Wednesday. It is incredible to see how quickly and deeply we formed bonds and friendships with these people, and I can truly say that I already miss them. I grew very close to several of the students and have come to love all of the adults who came. All I can say is that I'm thankful for Facebook!

Tuesday night, I received news that my music minister would be taking up a new calling in South Carolina. He and his family will be gone before I return, so I am very emotionally upset right now. Brian and Kerri were some of the most influential people in my life, and not having them there to see me come home is going to be very hard. Wednesday, I told the boys, and they met up with me to simply be there for me. As thankful as I am that I get work with them to minister to the youth, I am equally as thankful that we are here to minister to each other.

Please pray for me as I continue to form deep relationships with the youth and minister to them. Pray that God will continue to encourage me and protect me while traveling solo. Please pray for my students, because several of them have problems deeper than those I can handle. Pray that I have to emotional, spiritual, and physical strength to do what God places in front of me.  Pray that He continue to strengthen and build up Stephen, Morgan, and Seth as we work together to grow.

In Christ,
Emily E.

From the Field - Beginnings of Worship

As I sat on the bus on the way back to my apartment last night after church, I realized, that even though I have no clear idea of how to start a worship band, I do know that you have to start with a heart of worship. It doesn't take a spiritual gift of administration and development to create something from seemingly nothing. Ultimately, that's God's job, but He wants to see us come before Him saying we need His help with this task.

And so, I am coming to Him for help. What do I say, how do I approach this subject? How do I ask for members, how do I spot out the spiritual leaders? Where do I go from here with this idea? To have an idea is one thing, but to put into action as a single person is another. Many times, it takes a team of people to make one person's idea a reality. I don't have that team to work with at Richmond. It's pretty much just me for a while.

Friday night, while we were sitting around at the welcome party, it was very hard for me to discern who in the room was a spiritual leader and who was not. I did feel as though one boy had the potential to be a leader, and was to some extent, but his heart attitude is not in the right place at all. I felt as though though others did follow him naturally, but he could be so much more.

As for music to introduce and integrate into this group, I am at a loss. I know what we sing in the youth group back home, but I don't know what songs they are used to here. I want to give them something fresh and new. I've been looking into worship leaders and their music, and while I have a good amount of well known songs, I want to let them experience the renewed passion you can have from learning a new song. A song who's words you listen to before you sing. What about you all? What are some worship songs or artists that speak to you? Feel free to comment as much as you like, I would love any and all ideas.

Working hard,
Emily E.

From the Field - Orientation and Settling In

On Monday, I left home by myself for the first time. My flight schedule was supposed to go as follows: Jacksonville to Atlanta, Atlanta to Dallas, then straight from Dallas to Vancouver. Instead, I went Jacksonville to Atlanta, sat on the runway for two and half hours, flew to Dallas, missed my Vancouver flight by five minutes, sat in the Dallas Airport for four hours, then flew to Vancouver. I eventually flew in at 9:30 Pacific time, which was midnight Eastern time. I got through customs fine, found my suitcase almost immediately, and found the group that was meeting me almost as quickly. There were four other people flying in around the same time I was, so we all met up with one of the group leaders we would be working with this summer.

Current Canada Vancouver is more than just me and my two other team members at CCGC (Chinese Christian Gospel Church), it is 16 other young adults working with four other churches throughout the Vancouver area and Vancouver Island. So orientation was not just my group, it wads a huge team coming together to learn about and pray for these communities we're serving in. We are a team as a whole, underneath that, we are separate teams, and underneath that, we are individuals, all striving to allow God to move in them and move through them. We all came with the intention of changing lives even if the lives changed are their own.

Monday through Wednesday, we stayed in one of the churches we'll be working with this summer. Tuesday morning, after everyone was awake and had eaten, we began orientation. We started with a devotional and prayer time to open our hearts to the things we needed in order to fully work for the Kingdom. After, we were given an overview of the church planting vision for Vancouver, and given a rundown of Canadian culture. (I'm not allowed to say ma'am or sir, or call an adult by Mr. or Mrs. My parents worked for 18 years to get me to say those every time I addressed an adult, and now I'm not supposed to because it's rude.)

After that little culture shock, we were given a very good guide on how to evangelize with Canadians. In America, we are encouraged to openly share the Gospel and our testimonies with people we don't know that well. In Canada, we have to build relationships before we can begin to talk about things on a spiritual level. While Canadians are open to talking about spiritual things, they're not open to talking with a spiritual connection. It takes time to build relationships where they are comfortable talking to you. Americans will let you into their lives but not into their homes, but Canadians will let you into their homes, but not into their lives.

After evangelism training, we had lunch and played flag football. (I did not play flag football, I kept score and played with one of the leader's little kids.)

After lunch, we got into our groups and talked about the roles of each team member. Since I am living by myself, I am my own accountant, food director, spiritual leader, and planner. The guys (Stephen and Morgan) will be working at two of the other locations of CCGC, so I'm by myself for a while.

I am working at the Richmond location, where I will be taking over administrative duties for their youth group there. I will be teaching bible study twice a week, as well as setting up a praise band while I am here. I have two other girls who are helping me through the adjustment process and I am so thankful for them already!

After we were done on Tuesday, the leaders let us loose into the city to explore. We ended up going downtown and eating in the Italian strip. Then breaking off into groups of three and four. I went with my team and we ended up at the waterfront and talking about our testimonies. Maybe I can get the guys to write a guest post to put up here soon. After that we headed back to the church we were staying at, which is also where I will be working this summer. Wednesday, we went over a few more things then we packed up the vehicles and sent to get settled into our apartments. I met the family that is hosting me, and they are all very sweet. Their youngest is a girl a year older than me, and she seems very open to starting a friendship with me. There is a ministry opportunity there, so please pray for that. We took the boys to their apartment, then ate poutine (fries, brown gravy, and cheese curd. It is absolutely to die for!) And went to get groceries. We dumped those at the apartments and then ate pizza for dinner.

They dropped me off at my place, and I got everything unpacked and took a nice shower, then went to bed. Today (6/20) I've mostly been various books that have been assigned to me, and have been looking into curriculums for bible studies. Later tonight, I am meeting a girl named Erica and her family,. She is one of the girls I will be working from the church. She's in university, but I'm not quite sure what year. Tomorrow, I'm going to try and meet with the guys and get some sort of meeting schedule set up, and I'll probably try to go exploring through the Richmond area where I'm staying. Tomorrow night, they are having a welcome party for me at one of the youth's house. I'm so excited about their excitement to have me here! So far, they have left me a gift basket with all sorts of snacks, and a beautiful card welcoming me here!

Excited to see what God does,
Emily M.

From the Field- Airport Thoughts

So... It's been a while since I last posted, but I am very happy to announce that I am officially in the mission field. I am currently sitting in the Dallas/Fort Worth airport waiting for my flight into Vancouver. While sitting here, I've come to the conclusion that I hate airports. I love flying, it's like riding a really long roller coaster, but I do not like airports at all! I feel so self-conscious just sitting, with all these other people, trying not to look at them, hoping they don't look at me, and then thinking, there's a soul behind that face. I remember why I'm here in the first place. I'm not going on vacation. I'm going on a mission. I am going to proactively fight a battle against the enemy. I am joining forces with two other young adults and a whole church so that we may save lives. I am here to be the embodiment of love to people.

As I sit here, listening to a man talk about the fascinating business of medium sized farming, I remember that God has given me a specific job to do. He has given me a charge. Change the world. Go and do the job I have for you. Go and show them Jesus through your actions. And still I sit here, too scared to strike up a conversation with the older couple splitting a few seat s down from me. Too scared to ask the two really rude guys to stop cussing and looking at me like they're trying to impress me. Too scared to ask the other loner why he's going to Vancouver.

But I'm also too scared to ignore them. I'm too scared to not wonder what their life is like. I'm too scared to not think that they might need Jesus. I'm too scared to let myself take a nap and block everyone out for an hour. I'm too scared to not see them.

A little boy ran by earlier dragging a suitcase behind calling for his mom and dad. At first, I worried he was lost, but he seemed intent on following a certain woman, so I thought he was with her. But then she didn't turn around. By that time, they were farther down the way than I wanted to go. I am so ashamed. I could have gone have him, should have gone after him, and made sure he was okay. What if he wasn't? What if he's still wandering the airport? What if it was all my fault? I could have shown him how much Jesus loves the little children, instead I showed him how much our world doesn't care.  I haven't even gotten to the final stop and I have already failed in my mission.

I've held eye contact with an older man several times, and yet never said a word. For all I know, he could have been begging me to tell him about this Savior,m this Jesus I know. For all I know he could die tomorrow. I have been sitting in this airport for two hours and I have refused to listen to the cross of the souls surrounding me.

Who am I, that God would want to use me, a dirty, rotten, heartless creature, to spread the love of the Gospel. Why would He choose me, a lazy, disgusting child, to teach about His truth? What qualifies me to do any of this?

The answer is nothing. I am nothing, I have done nothing, and I will never be anything significant enough to qualify me for Kingdom work. Yet, even in this, God looked at me, pricked my heart, and said, "I want you to go. I choose you. I chose you before you were even born, because you are special. You are precious to Us, and We want you to be a witness to the awesome things We can do through the broken vessels. I have chosen you, my child."

Jeremiah 1: 5-8, "I chose you before I formed you in the womb; Inset you apart before you were born. I appointed you a prophet to the nations. But I protested, 'Oh no, Lord, God! Look I don't know how to speak since I am only a youth.' Then the Lord said to me: Do not say, 'I am only a youth,' for you will go to everyone I send you ton and speak whatever I tell you. Do not be afraid of anyone, for I will be with you to deliver you. This is the Lord's declaration."

Emily E.

I just realized that some of you reading this blog, especially those of you in other countries, might not actually be Christians. I know I started this blog to chronicle my life and to help those close to me keep up with what was going on with me, but I also feel that this blog is an outreach of sorts. So, I want to share my testimony with all of you.

My parents were already Christians when I was born, and they were also very involved in a church. I grew up in that church. My earliest memory is of me standing in the front parking lot of the church, watching the Vacation Bible School kick-off. Like I said my parents were very involved in the church. My dad was a deacon, my mom was the vacation bible school director and a preschool teacher at the adjacent private school, and together they taught marriage enrichment classes. I attended the private school that my mom taught at, which was also held in the classrooms of the church. Since I was almost literally at the church every day, I knew a lot about the Bible and about Jesus. I knew the gospel, and I knew the worship songs. I was surrounded by the culture of the church. When I was six years old, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior and Lord. I started reading my Bible outside of church and learning about what Jesus called us to do.

When I was seven, the private school shut down. My parents were determined to make sure that I grew up in a stimulating, healthy environment, and they did thorough research on the elementary schools in our area. While there were several that were promising for my intellectual and mental growth, they weren't so much for my spiritual growth. A friend of ours told us they were moving out to a different county that had an excellent school system. Though it was a public school, my parents saw that it was a Christian community and it seemed like a good place to move. So we did.

For me, as a seven year old who was sheltered and lived five minutes away from the only other place I went on a regular basis, moving was a foreign concept to me. Though my parents explained it and made sure I understood what was happening, it didn't really make since to me. I became very upset with my family, especially my mom, because for some reason I felt like this was her fault. I became very emotionally unbalanced, and I was angry at everyone. I tried really hard to fit in, but I didn't. I felt alone and abandoned, and it didn't help that my mom had decided she was going to open and manage a scrapbook store during the same year we moved.

By the time I started the sixth grade, I had known for a long time that I didn't have very many real friends. People played with you on the playground and some came to my birthday parties, but that was only because they felt obligated to. So in sixth grade, when I started band class, a whole new world kind of emerged for me. There were people that were as weird as I was, and they were okay with it. They liked making new friends, and they didn't mind hanging out with me. So, instead of trying to be myself and keep my morals, I tried to become more like them. I wanted to make sure that they liked me and accepted me as a part of their group. I ended up being a two-faced hypocrite by the second half of the year, because I would act just like they did.

During those first two or three years after we moved, my family just sort of stopped going to church. It was obvious to all of us that we had serious problems, and most of them stemmed from me. The same year I started sixth grade, my parents found a church they wanted to start attending. So during middle school I would go with them only because I had to. I didn't want to go to church anymore. I didn't care about that anymore. I let go of almost everything that set me apart from the rest of my friends: my morals. While I didn't sneak out and go to parties, and I kept a resolution that I would never drink, smoke, or do drugs, I was an extremely disrespectful kid. I didn't care about rules, I did what I wanted, said what I wanted, and wore what I wanted at school. While I was still a "good kid" in the eyes of teachers and some of my friends, I felt that I was not. I liked that. I liked the attention I got when I cussed when the teacher couldn't hear, when I only wore tank-tops under my jacket, when I cheated for someone. I thought that I was fine. When I was at home, I was extremely disrespectful, I lied to my parents, we argued all the time, and I openly told them that I hated them almost weekly. Before I started eighth grade, my parents sat me down and told me that if I didn't get my act together and start behaving they were going to pull my out of public school. They said I had until Christmas to prove myself, but I didn't even last that long. Four weeks into the school year, my dad and I had a (semi) physical fight and they drew the line. Five weeks later, they pulled me out and started homeschooling me.

There was an almost instant change in my attitude. Not because it woke me up that they were serious, but because my parents did what God told them to and pulled me away from the bad influences. Honestly, that was the best decision they ever made concerning me. I am so thankful now that they did, because I don't even want to think about where I would be if they hadn't. The sudden change of environment, though beneficial, was not easy to get acclimated to. I had a very hard time adjusting, and I would get bored easily. During middle school, our new church had gone through a lot of changes, including an almost completely replaced ministerial staff. We got a new pastor when I was in sixth grade, and he brought his family of four kids. Their oldest daughter, who is a year younger than me, was a friend of mine, and helped me tremendously through the transition from public to home school. She was one of the any supporters I had during this hard year. Looking back, I think the '08-'09 school year was probably my hardest year spiritually. While there wasn't as much disrespectful behavior as previous years, there was still a fair amount of fighting, not only with my parents but with God. I remember that year's camp so vividly. There were lots of angry tears shed as God broke down all of the layers I had built around my heart.

I look back on the past five years, and I see what a change God has made in my life. I went from being a disrespectful rebellious child on the path headed to destruction, and through his everlasting grace and mercy I am striving to become a godly young woman and be all that God intended for me to be. Every year, I have noticed an overall change for the better, and I can't wait to see what God does to me and through me this year. I never imagined I would be preparing for a mission trip at this age. I just turned 18, and I just graduated. But God opened a door, beckoned me to it, and said, "I want you to go." And go I shall.

Thankful for mercy,
Emily E.

Musical Mondays - Skillet - Monster

So quick update, then on to musical Monday. This week has been by far one of the craziest ever. During the first half of the week, I spent the day getting ready for my graduations and party, and then I would go to a different party every night. Thursday was my party, and we spent the entirety of that day setting up and cooking. Friday was the local public schools graduation, which I had fully intended on going to, but ended up with a headache, so I couldn't go. Saturday was the big day! I had my first graduation at 11, where I spoke and played piano. I was complemented by several people about the speech I gave. Both of the other speakers were very impressed, and I was so grateful that God gave me the proper words to say. The second graduation was at 4, and I played piano alongside several other students. Jared, my former youth pastor came up from Sarasota to speak, and it was wonderful to see him and his family again. (Congratulations are due to them as well because they are going to have another baby! This is so exciting, especially knowing that their first child was very hard to conceive and was prayed for for several years.) So that's all that has happened in the past week.

On to Musical Monday! I feel like writing about some hard rock. Do you want to hear about some hard rock? Let's talk about some hard rock. Hard rock, yay! This week's song is Skillet's Monster. I love this song, and all of their stuff, not only because of the music, but because the words have a good message as well. Let's begin!

The secret side of me

I never let you see

I keep it caged

But I can't control it

So stay away from me

The beast is ugly

I feel the rage

And I just can't hold it

It's scratching on the walls

In the closet, in the halls

It comes awake

And I can't control it

Hiding under the bed

In my body, in my head

Why won't somebody come and save me from this?

Make it end!

I feel it deep within,

It's just beneath the skin

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I hate what I've become

The nightmare's just begun

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster

My secret side I keep

Hid under lock and key

I keep it caged

But I can't control it

Cause if I let him out

He'll tear me up

And break me down

Why won't somebody come and save me from this?

Make it end!

I feel it deep within,

It's just beneath the skin

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I hate what I've become

The nightmare's just begun

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I feel it deep within,

It's just beneath the skin

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster

It's hiding in the dark

It's teeth are razor sharp

There's no escape for me

It wants my soul,

It wants my heart

No one can hear me scream

Maybe it's just a dream

Or maybe it's inside of me

Stop this monster!

I feel it deep within,

It's just beneath the skin

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I hate what I've become

The nightmare's just begun

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I feel it deep within,

It's just beneath the skin

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I'm gonna lose control

Here's something radical

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster

I'm not going to lie, I really like this song. A lot. More than I probably should. Also, did you know that Skillet, which has been a constant in the heavy rock genre for many years, released their first album in 1996? That was seventeen years ago! Though there have been a few line-up changes and additions, the membership of the band has stayed relatively the same, I believe.

The secret side of me
I never let you see
I keep it caged
But I can't control it
So stay away from me
The beast is ugly
I feel the rage
And I just can't hold it

There is a part of all of us that we don't like. We think that if it ever rears its nasty ugly head that people are going to look at us and say, "wow, they have some major problems What a freak!" We suppress it, we bury it so that no one else could ever possibly discover it. When we feel that it might manifest itself, we try to run. We hide away from others until the danger passes.

It's scratching on the walls
In the closet, in the halls
It comes awake
And I can't control it
Hiding under the bed
In my body, in my head
Why won't somebody come and save me from this?
Make it end!

It tries so often to escape. It claws at the walls we build to keep it in. It moves from the place we kept it hidden, to the place where people can find it. It gets so out of control that we feel like we're going insane. It's everywhere inside of us, and we just want it go away, but it doesn't.

I feel it deep within,
It's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become
The nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

This thing we keep hidden, it's finally grown too big. We feel like a disaster, a terror is occurring in our own mind. We hate this, and we have to let it out somehow. We know this is only the beginning of the fight within our mind, but we still can't help feel as though we are being eaten from the inside out.

It's hiding in the dark
It's teeth are razor sharp
There's no escape for me
It wants my soul,
It wants my heart

When we think it's all clear, it's still there, tempting, haunting. There is no escape for us. The monster inside wants to consume you. It wants to rule you. It wants to destroy you from the inside out and bring your life down with it.

No one can hear me scream
Maybe it's just a dream
Or maybe it's inside of me
Stop this monster!

The terrible thing about it, is that no one knows it's there. It's all in your own mind. Is it real? Or not? Who can tell?

Emily E.