So, this blog is a place where I let you all know what is going on in my life as a Christian, as a college student, as a person, and it should be my top priority to first and foremost be as honest with you as I can possibly be. That being said, I have to tell you that I have not been writing very much lately because I just haven't felt inspired to write. When I do get some sort of inspiration, I am too busy with other things to write it then, and when I'm not busy, I've forgotten and the thought is long gone.
I think what has happened is I've reached a point of depression again. I am increasingly busy, with school, work, moving, and applying to Liberty taking up the majority of my time. I haven't had any one-on-one time with God in months, and it's taken it's toll on me and my outlook on life. I'm going through the motions, with no internal motivation behind my actions. I go to work, because I have to pay bills and save up money for college. I go to school so I can cut down on the total expense of college. I packed up and moved house because I still live with my family and I needed to. But what have I done for myself? I don't mean this in any selfish way, but I feel like I have completely neglected myself since the semester started.
To make matters worse, I have become emotionally exhausted. I've noticed over the past two weeks that I have the hardest time finding the good in things, I've been faster to snap at others than I used to, I hardly ever smile anymore. Joy seems nonexistent and happiness has all but packed up and left town. Every song I hear seems sad somehow, every face seems worn with sorrow. Even my pets seem to be slowing down and preparing for death. It is hard to go to sleep at night knowing I'll dream of when I was happy, when life didn't seem so miserable. It is hard to wake up in the mornings knowing that the day will bring me nothing but stress and anxiety.
I classify as an ENFJ personality, which stands for Extroverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Judging. This means that I prefer the association of my friends, especially my close ones, than being alone; I run based off of feeling rather than rational thought. And if my feelings are not right, I do not function normally or efficiently. While this definition may sound as if I am classifying myself like a robot, it is true. I am not myself when I am like this. I am mopey, complacent, rude, and sluggish. Motivation is nonexistent, thus I do only what is required and even then I do the minimum to succeed.
But what is the worst about this, is that I relish it. By that I mean, I take these negative emotions, bottle them away inside, and hold on to them while listening to sad songs. I listen until it physically hurts my heart. Then I get up, and find something that will distract me and make me feel halfway decent until then. I look for the next tv episode, the next movie, the next book, the next whatever to keep me preoccupied. And when that is done, I feel even worse than before.
So what is going to make me better? The only thing that can make me better. Love. Not love from my family, from my friends, from a boy. But love from God. Love from Jesus. I started crying on the way home the other day as I realized that as much as I want someone to come in and sweep me off my feet, to come and give me a different life, that someone already did. The only reason Jesus came to earth was to love me.
Jesus is the Prince of Heaven. He has the second highest position in the Universe and in Time. Yet for some reason, He left all of that behind so He could show me, prove to me that He loved me. Jesus was trying to woo me. Jesus was trying to woo me. He wanted me to see how much He loved me and was doing everything in His power to make me see it. Guys, if that's not love, then love does not exist. Love is the reason for Jesus' earthly existence. It is the only reason. No one will ever love me like Jesus does.
And that makes me hurt even more. Because He loves me so much, He gave me everything He could. He gave His life for me, so I can spend the rest of existence with Him. When you think of it this way, Jesus was His own dowry. Jesus paid the cost of my soul so that I could spend the rest of my life with Him. Guys, when Revelation says that we are the bride of Christ, we are literally the bride of Christ. When Jesus came to Earth, not only was He pursuing us and trying to win our hearts, but He was proposing to us. As a Christian, I am married to Christ. My soul is His just like my body would be my husband's were I married.
And what have I given in return? Nothing. I've given Him nothing. I gave Him one summer out of eighteen years of life, if anything. But what kind of gift is that? That is nothing, I have given nothing. I have not given my job, I have not given my education, I have not given my heart, my entertainment. I would make a terrible wife. Yet, Jesus has not disposed of me, He has not divorced me. Better yet, He has called back to me, asking for me to come back. And I will always come running back. No matter what else distracts me, pulls me away, or hurts me.
Because no one will ever give me what Jesus gave me. Because no one will ever be available like Jesus is. Because no on will ever love me like Jesus does.
I think what has happened is I've reached a point of depression again. I am increasingly busy, with school, work, moving, and applying to Liberty taking up the majority of my time. I haven't had any one-on-one time with God in months, and it's taken it's toll on me and my outlook on life. I'm going through the motions, with no internal motivation behind my actions. I go to work, because I have to pay bills and save up money for college. I go to school so I can cut down on the total expense of college. I packed up and moved house because I still live with my family and I needed to. But what have I done for myself? I don't mean this in any selfish way, but I feel like I have completely neglected myself since the semester started.
To make matters worse, I have become emotionally exhausted. I've noticed over the past two weeks that I have the hardest time finding the good in things, I've been faster to snap at others than I used to, I hardly ever smile anymore. Joy seems nonexistent and happiness has all but packed up and left town. Every song I hear seems sad somehow, every face seems worn with sorrow. Even my pets seem to be slowing down and preparing for death. It is hard to go to sleep at night knowing I'll dream of when I was happy, when life didn't seem so miserable. It is hard to wake up in the mornings knowing that the day will bring me nothing but stress and anxiety.
I classify as an ENFJ personality, which stands for Extroverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Judging. This means that I prefer the association of my friends, especially my close ones, than being alone; I run based off of feeling rather than rational thought. And if my feelings are not right, I do not function normally or efficiently. While this definition may sound as if I am classifying myself like a robot, it is true. I am not myself when I am like this. I am mopey, complacent, rude, and sluggish. Motivation is nonexistent, thus I do only what is required and even then I do the minimum to succeed.
But what is the worst about this, is that I relish it. By that I mean, I take these negative emotions, bottle them away inside, and hold on to them while listening to sad songs. I listen until it physically hurts my heart. Then I get up, and find something that will distract me and make me feel halfway decent until then. I look for the next tv episode, the next movie, the next book, the next whatever to keep me preoccupied. And when that is done, I feel even worse than before.
So what is going to make me better? The only thing that can make me better. Love. Not love from my family, from my friends, from a boy. But love from God. Love from Jesus. I started crying on the way home the other day as I realized that as much as I want someone to come in and sweep me off my feet, to come and give me a different life, that someone already did. The only reason Jesus came to earth was to love me.
Jesus is the Prince of Heaven. He has the second highest position in the Universe and in Time. Yet for some reason, He left all of that behind so He could show me, prove to me that He loved me. Jesus was trying to woo me. Jesus was trying to woo me. He wanted me to see how much He loved me and was doing everything in His power to make me see it. Guys, if that's not love, then love does not exist. Love is the reason for Jesus' earthly existence. It is the only reason. No one will ever love me like Jesus does.
And that makes me hurt even more. Because He loves me so much, He gave me everything He could. He gave His life for me, so I can spend the rest of existence with Him. When you think of it this way, Jesus was His own dowry. Jesus paid the cost of my soul so that I could spend the rest of my life with Him. Guys, when Revelation says that we are the bride of Christ, we are literally the bride of Christ. When Jesus came to Earth, not only was He pursuing us and trying to win our hearts, but He was proposing to us. As a Christian, I am married to Christ. My soul is His just like my body would be my husband's were I married.
And what have I given in return? Nothing. I've given Him nothing. I gave Him one summer out of eighteen years of life, if anything. But what kind of gift is that? That is nothing, I have given nothing. I have not given my job, I have not given my education, I have not given my heart, my entertainment. I would make a terrible wife. Yet, Jesus has not disposed of me, He has not divorced me. Better yet, He has called back to me, asking for me to come back. And I will always come running back. No matter what else distracts me, pulls me away, or hurts me.
Because no one will ever give me what Jesus gave me. Because no one will ever be available like Jesus is. Because no on will ever love me like Jesus does.
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