Not My Life, But Their's

I have always wanted to see the world. I have always wanted to travel and get out of my own space ever since I was a little girl. When I was in elementary school, I wanted to be a paleontologist and travel to the deserts of the world to discover the past and the extinct creations of God. When I was a little older, I wanted to study marine archaeology and travel the depths of the oceans. In high school, I didn't really know what I wanted to do, but I took a step of faith my senior year and left my country for the first time and spent seven weeks away in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. This blog was created to be a way to update everyone while I was there. Those were the best seven weeks of my life so far, and I would give anything to be able to go back. Because I was out of my home and living and working amongst strangers who became my family through faith and who I am still so deeply connected to emotionally.

I have never wanted to stay in one place. Coming back to the same home I leave would be nice, but recently, I've been having this overwhelming urge and push to leave and not come back. I love my family, I love my friends, and in some ways, I love my country. But my country, if we are completely honest, does not need me. Nor do I necessarily need it. Over the summer, I kept getting the urge to go somewhere, anywhere. Anywhere but where I am, where I was. Granted, I went back home because at the time my family and I thought I would be needed to help everyone while my mom recovered from surgery. Because of that, I do not feel too deeply a sense of regret for staying home. But next year, I don't want to go back home.

I love my family, but the biggest thing they taught me was they did not raise me to be a boomerang, they raised me to be an arrow. Psalm 127:3-5 says, "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate." My parents firmly believed this, and they firmly believed it was their job to raise me and my siblings to be not just arrows, but flaming arrows, on fire for God and ready to spread His love and His story like wildfire. And if I do that better halfway across the world, then great! Do they like the idea of me leaving and being all alone? Of course not, what mother is going to willingly send her daughter into the world that so terribly treats women? But they trust God with me and with my life, my safety.

And still, I have been afraid of bringing up the idea of leaving the country for good to them. Because that is such a monumental life decision, and it is really quite a big deal. But it is not an urge I can shake off and leave in the back of my mind. This urge has gotten so strong and so invasive that I must act or I will never be able to focus on anything else until it is handled. And that is how I know this is not of myself or my own ambitions. This is from God.

This week is Global Focus Week at Liberty, and I love, love, love GFW. I love the booths in the library, I love the speakers the school brings into convocation, and I love the sense of willingness you get from the students. But today was So. Much. Better. David Platt (renowned for his books Radical, and Follow Me, as well as others) was our speaker today, and before I go any further, I want to say one thing: David Platt has been gifted by God with his ability to speak and with his passion for the world and his ability to clearly articulate it to the masses. So today, Dr. Platt stood up and pleaded with us to understand the depth of what an unreached people group is and the urgency with which we need to be acting. I got a lot of good notes, and I want to share them with you all so you can understand where I'm coming from in a few paragraphs.

• Unreached people groups do not have access to the Gospel. 
• They have a general knowledge of God. 
• Because of this general knowledge, they have rejected God. 
• They are trying desperately to appease different gods and sometimes even to appease their own self and sins
•  The sinful nature manifests in us in a myriad of different ways. 
• Biblically, if you are unreached, you stand condemned before God. 
• There are not any innocent people in the world, there are condemned people all over the world who need to hear the gospel. 
• Biblically, if you are unreached, you will never be told about the good news, the amazing news, the awesome truth of the saving gift of Salvation and the gospel. 
• The gospel is only good news if it gets there in time. 
• Unreached people's knowledge of God is only enough to damn them to hell forever. 
• All they have is the bad news. 

With these points, I want to say what I have been feeling for months now.

I am not meant to stay in this country. I am not meant to teach in an American school. I would love to stay and help bring about education reform, but that is not my calling. My passion is to help people, my path is to teach, my calling is to leave. There are children dying because no one is presenting the Bible as a work of literature and in doing so presenting them with the truth that it contains. There is no one translating the Bible so that students can understand it.  No one is presenting the gospel to an entire third of our world population.

And for months I have been struggling with trying to discern whether or not this desire to leave and to go international was just something from myself in an attempt to get away from a city I didn't want to live in, or if this was a true calling from God. But throughout all of convo, I was repeatedly given a sense of reassurance and relief that this is not something I want to do. This is something God wants me to do. And being able to finally know that is a God-given desire is such a relief and has removed so much internal stress from my life.

I feel I am rambling now, so maybe I should be done.
In peace,
Emily E.

Breaking a Paralyzed Heart

This week has been absolutely amazing so far. For those who do not know, Christine Caine, the founder of the A21 Campaign, one of the largest anti- trafficking organizations in the world, is launching her new project, Propel Women, this week and has chosen to kick it off here at Liberty. I will be writing a post on Saturday summing up the entire week, but I want to talk to you all specifically about tonight.

Tonight Christine spoke at Campus Community (previously named Campus Church), and it was a message straight from God. I feel like there is a lot I don't know how to get out in a way that makes sense, but I'm going to at least try. First I want to share some points I got from her sermon, and then what God revealed to me tonight.

• So many Christians live far beneath the freedom Christ died for.
• God needs and is looking for a generation that not only sings songs that say "no going back" but who believe it and is willing to act upon it.
• God is looking for and going to use unlikely people in unlikely places using an unlikely plan to gain an unlikely result.
• You don't know what God is going to do with you and where He is going to do it.
• We treat God like He doesn't know what we don't have, as if God doesn't know who He called. 
• The thing that makes you feel unqualified is the same thing God is going to use to bring Him the greatest glory. 
• Do not limit God's supernatural ability in and through your life.
• I do not have it all together, but God does have it all together.
• Would you just trust God?
• Begin the walk into freedom.

Tonight was, to quote Mrs. Caine, "awesome". But there was a lot to take in and a lot of realizations to wade through.

First, my heart has become paralyzed with fear and anxiety and doubt and worry. And all of these things have caused my heart and my spirit to become hardened and overwhelmed and this has caused me to push God away to a point. I have lost sight of the God and the heart of Jesus that I saw two years ago. The one that loves me no matter what.

Secondly, I've been trying to fix myself and my problems on my own again. Again. I've been trying to solve everything on my own. Take these oils, do these exercises, eat this not that, read these books. And while none of those are inherently bad, none of them are God. But when did I stop and pray? Where in that did I sit down and open my Bible? Why did I let my independent spirit push away the biggest Helper I have available to me?

I have lost sight of my long term vision. I have become so caught up in school that I've forgotten why I came here in the first place. I have forgotten my heart's true passion to help people. That is all my heart wants to do when fueled by the Holy Spirit. I want to help people, no matter what or in what way. And I can't help people when I have forgotten who it is who fuels that passion. I have gotten caught up in the waves of busyness and learning and discovery.

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

My eyes aren't above the ways. I can't even see the sun. How blind and ignorant I have become to my own pain and confusion.

That being said, I have come to the point where I cannot handle this on my own. I am not able to manage this by myself, but I don't know where to start in being able to get back on track. I will be looking into the school's counseling services. I've heard excellent things from other students who have benefited from their services and I believe this is what I need. I do not know how to handle myself anymore. 

I have lost sight of the me that Jesus sees. I have missed the passion that I had even a few months ago. I have lost sight of my Christ identity. It is going to be a journey to find it again, and it is going to be a struggle to repair my relationship with Christ again. But for me, I know that it will be much better to ask for help from the right people now than the wrong people then. 

So. Pray for me. Pray for the rest of this week on campus, and for the beginning of the Propel Women movement. 

I do not have it all together, but God does.

I do not have it all together, but God does.

I do not have it all together, but God does.

I DO NOT HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER, BUT GOD DOES.

Emily E.

As a child, I was selfish, I was greedy, I was mad when things didn't go the way I wanted them to. That is my heart. That is my humanity, it is my nature to want everyone to work their lives around mine, because I am the most important, I am the most valuable person on the planet. I think everyone else is inferior. And that is how I normally think. That is how I normally live. That is my human nature. My sinful, twisted human nature. I don't inherently like people. I think people are ignorant and ugly and rude and annoying. People irritate me to no end. I defined love as people waiting hand and foot on me and appealing to my desires and then leaving me alone. I walk around with a perpetual face of murder. This is how I have been for a very long time.

But then I fell in love with Jesus, because Jesus fell in love with me, and then, not only did He fall in love with me, He showed me. He wooed me, and He pursued me. He ran after my cold, dead, twisted, sinful, hateful heart. And He won it. I accepted the gift of Salvation when I was six, but until a year ago, I played a game, I treated Him like I treated everyone else. I used Him when I needed Him. And He let it happen for so long. But when I saw, when I truly saw, not with my mind and my eyes, but with my heart and my soul, that Jesus loved me so incredibly, selflessly, and completely, it changed my entire life. Now, I see myself as nothing but equal to everyone else on the planet. I have lowered myself and to some point, I have elevated everyone else above me to a degree. I find other people enthrallingly intelligent, beautiful, kind, and pleasurable to be around. I have come to love people (because let's face it, some people are really hard to like). People are a minefield of knowledge and experiences and it's beautiful. I now define love as me giving and pouring out to people, and seeing others do the same in return. I pull out of myself and I give what I can. I learn, I research, and I give my knowledge as much as I can. Granted, I still walk around with a face of murder, but some habits are hard to break. And I am still learning how to live like this.

Love pursued me, loved wooed me. Love saved me. And I can't hold in this love I have. Because this love I feel, I can't not let other people have a chance at feeling it and being saved by it as well. The entire world deserves to know that Jesus loves them. All of them. All the Atheists, the pagans, the Muslims, the Hindus, the Buddhists. All of them do not worship Christ, because they do not know the truth about Him. The downtrodden, the needy, the weak, they do not know the power and strength and hope that love and Jesus has given me. It is by the hope and peace of God that I do not go insane, that my life is not worse than it is, that I do not torture myself because of all that goes on within me. It is that same peace that I wish to give to people.

That is the biggest difference in my life now. I want to give to others, instead of having others give to me. I want to invest in the lives of individuals, instead of ignoring them or meet them in passing. I want to reach out and minister to those who need it the most. I want to give my life as an investment into theirs. And I don't think I want anything in return. The joy of knowing that I have tried to help someone else, and maybe even succeeding in helping is all the payment I need.

Growing constantly, Giving continuously,
Emily E.

Important Life Updates

It has been a while since I have written anything, and I should probably tell you why. I have had a lot of road blocks come up recently, and I wanted to make sure I got over them before telling anybody anything. So, if you have asked me in the past couple of weeks what my plans for the future are and I have given you some vague answers, that is why. (Also, I simply don't like people asking me about my plans for the future. Focus on your own lives, and focus on the now, not the future. It happens when it happens.)

So, first and foremost, what are my plans for school? I am now officially going to Liberty University in the Fall. I am going to get a Bachelor's in English, and I will (hopefully) graduate with that in 2016. I am sending in a video audition for the marching band, and if accepted, I will be leaving early August to start band camp. I will also be applying for work study, preferably for one of the library positions. 

Second, how am I paying for school? Honestly, that is none of anybody's business. But just know that God has provided for me and even though it is not the most preferable method, it is going to get me through.

Third, what are my plans for the summer? You mean, the summer that is half over? Not much, to be honest. I am cleaning out a lot of my stuff and selling it, and I am going to start getting ready for Liberty. I have summer orientation in July sometime, so I will be heading up there for that as well. I also plan on finishing some paintings I promised my mother, so hopefully will get that done. I am also volunteering every other week at our local organic co-op. My friends and I are trying to get as much crammed into this summer before me and my best friend leave in August. I am also trying to do as much fun stuff with my younger brother before I leave, because this is the last summer we really have together, and these are going to be the most vivid memories he has. 

Now, what do I need to do to get ready to leave? So much. Let us make a checklist, shall we?

• Film and send in my video audition for the Spirit of the Mountain band. 
• Attend summer orientation
• Register for classes and meal plans.
• Declutter my possessions and start deciding what I want to take with me.
• Buy band shoes and gloves.
• Buy new school clothes because I have Florida friendly clothes that are not suitable for the Virginia mountains in winter time. 
• Buy new school supplies because I have run out, it seems. 
• Pack everything I need.
• Sign up as a doTerra Essential Oils rep so I can still have those while I am gone. 

I think that is it. So, if you have been wondering what has been going on in my life and what my final plans are, there you go. Also, if you know me personally and you want to meet up with me one last time before I leave, let me know.

Finally seeing some direction,

Emily E.

From the Field- Airport Thoughts

So... It's been a while since I last posted, but I am very happy to announce that I am officially in the mission field. I am currently sitting in the Dallas/Fort Worth airport waiting for my flight into Vancouver. While sitting here, I've come to the conclusion that I hate airports. I love flying, it's like riding a really long roller coaster, but I do not like airports at all! I feel so self-conscious just sitting, with all these other people, trying not to look at them, hoping they don't look at me, and then thinking, there's a soul behind that face. I remember why I'm here in the first place. I'm not going on vacation. I'm going on a mission. I am going to proactively fight a battle against the enemy. I am joining forces with two other young adults and a whole church so that we may save lives. I am here to be the embodiment of love to people.

As I sit here, listening to a man talk about the fascinating business of medium sized farming, I remember that God has given me a specific job to do. He has given me a charge. Change the world. Go and do the job I have for you. Go and show them Jesus through your actions. And still I sit here, too scared to strike up a conversation with the older couple splitting a few seat s down from me. Too scared to ask the two really rude guys to stop cussing and looking at me like they're trying to impress me. Too scared to ask the other loner why he's going to Vancouver.

But I'm also too scared to ignore them. I'm too scared to not wonder what their life is like. I'm too scared to not think that they might need Jesus. I'm too scared to let myself take a nap and block everyone out for an hour. I'm too scared to not see them.

A little boy ran by earlier dragging a suitcase behind calling for his mom and dad. At first, I worried he was lost, but he seemed intent on following a certain woman, so I thought he was with her. But then she didn't turn around. By that time, they were farther down the way than I wanted to go. I am so ashamed. I could have gone have him, should have gone after him, and made sure he was okay. What if he wasn't? What if he's still wandering the airport? What if it was all my fault? I could have shown him how much Jesus loves the little children, instead I showed him how much our world doesn't care.  I haven't even gotten to the final stop and I have already failed in my mission.

I've held eye contact with an older man several times, and yet never said a word. For all I know, he could have been begging me to tell him about this Savior,m this Jesus I know. For all I know he could die tomorrow. I have been sitting in this airport for two hours and I have refused to listen to the cross of the souls surrounding me.

Who am I, that God would want to use me, a dirty, rotten, heartless creature, to spread the love of the Gospel. Why would He choose me, a lazy, disgusting child, to teach about His truth? What qualifies me to do any of this?

The answer is nothing. I am nothing, I have done nothing, and I will never be anything significant enough to qualify me for Kingdom work. Yet, even in this, God looked at me, pricked my heart, and said, "I want you to go. I choose you. I chose you before you were even born, because you are special. You are precious to Us, and We want you to be a witness to the awesome things We can do through the broken vessels. I have chosen you, my child."

Jeremiah 1: 5-8, "I chose you before I formed you in the womb; Inset you apart before you were born. I appointed you a prophet to the nations. But I protested, 'Oh no, Lord, God! Look I don't know how to speak since I am only a youth.' Then the Lord said to me: Do not say, 'I am only a youth,' for you will go to everyone I send you ton and speak whatever I tell you. Do not be afraid of anyone, for I will be with you to deliver you. This is the Lord's declaration."

Emily E.

Canada Update

Looks like I'm going to be uploading three new posts today... because I have a very exciting announcement!
Earlier today I received an email telling me that I have been assigned to the East Bay Baptist Assoiation in Sacramento California!... Wait , what? Yes, I was indeed told that I was going to California, not Canada. And as any good mother, my mom (who is also my editor, by the way, you can all thank her for the readability of this blog) told me to call and make sure this was correct.

So, I called and left a message, and she called me back an hour later. She said I was placed in Vancouver, which was labeled as CD01. I told her the email had said CA01. She was suddenly very flustered because apparently something messed up with the computer merging software when they sent out all the email notifying all of those assigned to Vancouver. So, in the end, she told me I was going to Vancouver, Canada, not Sacramento, California (wow, that sentence had a lot of commas). I should be getting another email with the correct information sometime tomorrow.

I can not tell you how excited I am. After I got off the phone, I started jumping up and down and giggling like a madman. I am so ready for this experience, I just cannot wait to see what God does this summer! Another great thing is that I am not leaving on June 3 like I originally thought. I will be leaving sometime around the second week of June,so I won't be stressing out about packing for Canada and graduation simultaneously, so that is a relief.

Excited about the future,
Emily E.

A Hard Pill to Swallow

This has been a very emotional week for me and my friends. Our youth pastor and his family, who have been with us for four years, are being called to a different church. This wasn't something any of us expected, nor is it something we wanted. So many questions have been running through my head since Sunday, I just don't know how to take it all in.

On Wednesday in the youth group, he talked to us about where we went from here. What happens now, if you wish. It was so hard not to simply cry my eyes out in front of everybody as I listened to him, because even though it was his last time talking to us, what he said, God had already spoken to me throughout the week in my personal times with Him. And everything he said was hard to swallow. The biggest for me was most definitely to not get sidetracked and distracted when these things happen.

When our pastor announced he was leaving, one thought that ran through my mind was whether or not I should still go to Canada. As many know I am a Senior in high school this year, and I feel as I have some kind of leadership position within our youth group. With that position, I can't help but feel as if I need to stay here over the summer and help the group transition between pastors. But our youth pastor, and my mom later on, said it so truthfully. God has called me to Canada to do a ministry that no one else can do. And if I stay here, I am going to hinder ministry both here at home and in Canada. God will still use somebody else, but the results won't be the same, I will miss out on that relationship with God that is forged on mission trips, and I'll miss the opportunity that God has given me.

As true as that is, it is so, so hard to accept. Which led me to thinking today, what other things to I know in my mind but in my heart I refuse to accept?

What are we meant for? Why are we here? Are we here to take up space? Or are we here to help people? As Christians, we are here to show, share, and be Jesus to the lost people. We are not just here. We have a reason. Ultimately, we all have the same job - to show people the way to Christ. How we do that is different from every person, but is all the same in the end.

WE have a job to do, whether we realize it or not. WE are not here to party, to work, to just live. We are here to live for Jesus.To live in a way that glorifies God, not ourselves. And every day, we should live in a way that reflects the love of the Man who died to save us. Because whether or not we realize it, someone is always watching, be it our friends, coworkers, family, or a child. Someone is watching everything you do, listening to everything you say.

That right there, is something that most Christians refuse to accept in their hearts. But you know what, I determine right now, to accept that, and do live it. It's one thing to say something, it's another to live it out.

One thing that I find really hard to accept, no matter how many times it's brought up, is that according to the world, I know nothing of value, because I'm only seventeen years old. But according to God, I know so much more. Because I'm young, people are watching, waiting for me to screw up.

But what if I didn't screw up? What if I didn't fail? What if I succeeded, if I won? What if I proved them wrong? Then, I wouldn't just be looked at, I would be looked to. I would set an example, be a leader. People would look at me and say, "She's a good girl. She follows God's Will". God doesn't just want me to be good, he wants me to be excellent, to be everything I need to be in order for His work to be done.

Sometimes God, the Great Physician, gives us hard pills to swallow. Whether they be life circumstances, ideas, or convictions, it's all the same. Nothing is going to hurt any less than something else. God's conviction on a sin in your life is not going to be any more or less painful than losing a loved one. And that's simple the way life is.

Still in the valley, but looking towards the Son,
Emily