Before you say anything, I am not going to talk about physical nakedness, okay. Just putting that out there.
No, I want to talk about spiritual and emotional nakedness. Because no one ever talks about that. I hear Christian leaders and bloggers say all the time, guard your heart, guard your heart, guard your heart. They say this in a way that does not mean, guard your heart from temptation, but rather you as a young women or young man need to put up walls so that no one can get to your heart, and see the real, genuine you. At least, that's how I've felt about it. And personally, that is what I've done. I've built up walls so no one can see who the genuine me is.
Do you want to know the genuine me? Well, get prepared.
I am dead.
What? Not what you were expecting? Me either. but it's true. I wake up so many days, and I feel dead. Dead to the world, dead to myself, dead in every sense of the word. But I am awake, and i am breathing, and my brain is functioning. So am I not dead? Or am I a zombie? functioning in the basic sense, but going through life as uninterested and lethargic as I have ever been? No, that can't be possible. I am a Christian, Christians aren't supposed to feel like this! But yet... I do.
And who can I talk to? I can't properly communicate with my parents about this. We've tried, it ended with me trying not to cry in a Chinese Buffet. My friends aren't in college, they aren't in similar situations to me. The two people that I used to turn to with questions have both moved to 4-6 hours away. I have no one who will understand. At least not here. so, I'm going to tell you all about it.
I have shut down. Emotionally, mentally, and I wouldn't be surprised that my body doesn't start shutting down and getting sick. I don't know how this happened, but I know that I hate it. I HATE living life in a blur, in a daze, going through the motions, not seeing, not feeling. And I can't find a way out.
Stress. This is what stress does. And it isn't acute stress, that which spurs you into action until you complete that which needs to be done. This is chronic, painful, overwhelming stress, and I don't think anyone understands that. I have a job that is constantly changing and screwing me over, I have classes that are coming to an end and one that I'm failing, I have things to be saving up for, and Christmas that I feel obligated to participate in, and applications to finish, and junk to get rid of, and it has swallowed me whole...
How did I let myself get this way? When did this happen? What is the point of going to college when I verge on the edge of a mental breakdown? How am I going to be a proper, productive adult in this society if I can't be productive within my own house?
And what do you care? Some people across the internet, on the other side of the computer screen, reading random words strung together. What amount of satisfaction does this bring to you? Why do you feel the ned to read my words, my stories? They do not affect your life, they do not have anything to do with you. But yet, here I am, pouring my broken, hurting soul and worries out to you. Is it going to make a difference? I don't know.
And if you are out there and you feel the same way, you aren't alone. We can get through this. I've always heard people say that the bad doesn't last forever, so it can't get much worse can it?
Emily E.
No, I want to talk about spiritual and emotional nakedness. Because no one ever talks about that. I hear Christian leaders and bloggers say all the time, guard your heart, guard your heart, guard your heart. They say this in a way that does not mean, guard your heart from temptation, but rather you as a young women or young man need to put up walls so that no one can get to your heart, and see the real, genuine you. At least, that's how I've felt about it. And personally, that is what I've done. I've built up walls so no one can see who the genuine me is.
Do you want to know the genuine me? Well, get prepared.
I am dead.
What? Not what you were expecting? Me either. but it's true. I wake up so many days, and I feel dead. Dead to the world, dead to myself, dead in every sense of the word. But I am awake, and i am breathing, and my brain is functioning. So am I not dead? Or am I a zombie? functioning in the basic sense, but going through life as uninterested and lethargic as I have ever been? No, that can't be possible. I am a Christian, Christians aren't supposed to feel like this! But yet... I do.
And who can I talk to? I can't properly communicate with my parents about this. We've tried, it ended with me trying not to cry in a Chinese Buffet. My friends aren't in college, they aren't in similar situations to me. The two people that I used to turn to with questions have both moved to 4-6 hours away. I have no one who will understand. At least not here. so, I'm going to tell you all about it.
I have shut down. Emotionally, mentally, and I wouldn't be surprised that my body doesn't start shutting down and getting sick. I don't know how this happened, but I know that I hate it. I HATE living life in a blur, in a daze, going through the motions, not seeing, not feeling. And I can't find a way out.
Stress. This is what stress does. And it isn't acute stress, that which spurs you into action until you complete that which needs to be done. This is chronic, painful, overwhelming stress, and I don't think anyone understands that. I have a job that is constantly changing and screwing me over, I have classes that are coming to an end and one that I'm failing, I have things to be saving up for, and Christmas that I feel obligated to participate in, and applications to finish, and junk to get rid of, and it has swallowed me whole...
How did I let myself get this way? When did this happen? What is the point of going to college when I verge on the edge of a mental breakdown? How am I going to be a proper, productive adult in this society if I can't be productive within my own house?
And what do you care? Some people across the internet, on the other side of the computer screen, reading random words strung together. What amount of satisfaction does this bring to you? Why do you feel the ned to read my words, my stories? They do not affect your life, they do not have anything to do with you. But yet, here I am, pouring my broken, hurting soul and worries out to you. Is it going to make a difference? I don't know.
And if you are out there and you feel the same way, you aren't alone. We can get through this. I've always heard people say that the bad doesn't last forever, so it can't get much worse can it?
Emily E.
Emily, I don't know entirely what you are going through entirely but I do know what it feels like to not feel at all. For the past few years with the things that have happened I really just don't feel any emotion of any kind. I just kind of get up, do what people tell me, and come home to waste time and ignore the things I don't want to do. I'm near failing classes because I just won't do my work. I don't know all of what you feel but I'm here for you if you need me. I'll see you Sunday, maybe you'll figure out who you should be looking for.
ReplyDeleteSorry I wasn't there today... Not sure if you've seen this or not but I was a little sad I didn't hold up.
ReplyDelete~MG