From the Field- Airport Thoughts

So... It's been a while since I last posted, but I am very happy to announce that I am officially in the mission field. I am currently sitting in the Dallas/Fort Worth airport waiting for my flight into Vancouver. While sitting here, I've come to the conclusion that I hate airports. I love flying, it's like riding a really long roller coaster, but I do not like airports at all! I feel so self-conscious just sitting, with all these other people, trying not to look at them, hoping they don't look at me, and then thinking, there's a soul behind that face. I remember why I'm here in the first place. I'm not going on vacation. I'm going on a mission. I am going to proactively fight a battle against the enemy. I am joining forces with two other young adults and a whole church so that we may save lives. I am here to be the embodiment of love to people.

As I sit here, listening to a man talk about the fascinating business of medium sized farming, I remember that God has given me a specific job to do. He has given me a charge. Change the world. Go and do the job I have for you. Go and show them Jesus through your actions. And still I sit here, too scared to strike up a conversation with the older couple splitting a few seat s down from me. Too scared to ask the two really rude guys to stop cussing and looking at me like they're trying to impress me. Too scared to ask the other loner why he's going to Vancouver.

But I'm also too scared to ignore them. I'm too scared to not wonder what their life is like. I'm too scared to not think that they might need Jesus. I'm too scared to let myself take a nap and block everyone out for an hour. I'm too scared to not see them.

A little boy ran by earlier dragging a suitcase behind calling for his mom and dad. At first, I worried he was lost, but he seemed intent on following a certain woman, so I thought he was with her. But then she didn't turn around. By that time, they were farther down the way than I wanted to go. I am so ashamed. I could have gone have him, should have gone after him, and made sure he was okay. What if he wasn't? What if he's still wandering the airport? What if it was all my fault? I could have shown him how much Jesus loves the little children, instead I showed him how much our world doesn't care.  I haven't even gotten to the final stop and I have already failed in my mission.

I've held eye contact with an older man several times, and yet never said a word. For all I know, he could have been begging me to tell him about this Savior,m this Jesus I know. For all I know he could die tomorrow. I have been sitting in this airport for two hours and I have refused to listen to the cross of the souls surrounding me.

Who am I, that God would want to use me, a dirty, rotten, heartless creature, to spread the love of the Gospel. Why would He choose me, a lazy, disgusting child, to teach about His truth? What qualifies me to do any of this?

The answer is nothing. I am nothing, I have done nothing, and I will never be anything significant enough to qualify me for Kingdom work. Yet, even in this, God looked at me, pricked my heart, and said, "I want you to go. I choose you. I chose you before you were even born, because you are special. You are precious to Us, and We want you to be a witness to the awesome things We can do through the broken vessels. I have chosen you, my child."

Jeremiah 1: 5-8, "I chose you before I formed you in the womb; Inset you apart before you were born. I appointed you a prophet to the nations. But I protested, 'Oh no, Lord, God! Look I don't know how to speak since I am only a youth.' Then the Lord said to me: Do not say, 'I am only a youth,' for you will go to everyone I send you ton and speak whatever I tell you. Do not be afraid of anyone, for I will be with you to deliver you. This is the Lord's declaration."

Emily E.

I just realized that some of you reading this blog, especially those of you in other countries, might not actually be Christians. I know I started this blog to chronicle my life and to help those close to me keep up with what was going on with me, but I also feel that this blog is an outreach of sorts. So, I want to share my testimony with all of you.

My parents were already Christians when I was born, and they were also very involved in a church. I grew up in that church. My earliest memory is of me standing in the front parking lot of the church, watching the Vacation Bible School kick-off. Like I said my parents were very involved in the church. My dad was a deacon, my mom was the vacation bible school director and a preschool teacher at the adjacent private school, and together they taught marriage enrichment classes. I attended the private school that my mom taught at, which was also held in the classrooms of the church. Since I was almost literally at the church every day, I knew a lot about the Bible and about Jesus. I knew the gospel, and I knew the worship songs. I was surrounded by the culture of the church. When I was six years old, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior and Lord. I started reading my Bible outside of church and learning about what Jesus called us to do.

When I was seven, the private school shut down. My parents were determined to make sure that I grew up in a stimulating, healthy environment, and they did thorough research on the elementary schools in our area. While there were several that were promising for my intellectual and mental growth, they weren't so much for my spiritual growth. A friend of ours told us they were moving out to a different county that had an excellent school system. Though it was a public school, my parents saw that it was a Christian community and it seemed like a good place to move. So we did.

For me, as a seven year old who was sheltered and lived five minutes away from the only other place I went on a regular basis, moving was a foreign concept to me. Though my parents explained it and made sure I understood what was happening, it didn't really make since to me. I became very upset with my family, especially my mom, because for some reason I felt like this was her fault. I became very emotionally unbalanced, and I was angry at everyone. I tried really hard to fit in, but I didn't. I felt alone and abandoned, and it didn't help that my mom had decided she was going to open and manage a scrapbook store during the same year we moved.

By the time I started the sixth grade, I had known for a long time that I didn't have very many real friends. People played with you on the playground and some came to my birthday parties, but that was only because they felt obligated to. So in sixth grade, when I started band class, a whole new world kind of emerged for me. There were people that were as weird as I was, and they were okay with it. They liked making new friends, and they didn't mind hanging out with me. So, instead of trying to be myself and keep my morals, I tried to become more like them. I wanted to make sure that they liked me and accepted me as a part of their group. I ended up being a two-faced hypocrite by the second half of the year, because I would act just like they did.

During those first two or three years after we moved, my family just sort of stopped going to church. It was obvious to all of us that we had serious problems, and most of them stemmed from me. The same year I started sixth grade, my parents found a church they wanted to start attending. So during middle school I would go with them only because I had to. I didn't want to go to church anymore. I didn't care about that anymore. I let go of almost everything that set me apart from the rest of my friends: my morals. While I didn't sneak out and go to parties, and I kept a resolution that I would never drink, smoke, or do drugs, I was an extremely disrespectful kid. I didn't care about rules, I did what I wanted, said what I wanted, and wore what I wanted at school. While I was still a "good kid" in the eyes of teachers and some of my friends, I felt that I was not. I liked that. I liked the attention I got when I cussed when the teacher couldn't hear, when I only wore tank-tops under my jacket, when I cheated for someone. I thought that I was fine. When I was at home, I was extremely disrespectful, I lied to my parents, we argued all the time, and I openly told them that I hated them almost weekly. Before I started eighth grade, my parents sat me down and told me that if I didn't get my act together and start behaving they were going to pull my out of public school. They said I had until Christmas to prove myself, but I didn't even last that long. Four weeks into the school year, my dad and I had a (semi) physical fight and they drew the line. Five weeks later, they pulled me out and started homeschooling me.

There was an almost instant change in my attitude. Not because it woke me up that they were serious, but because my parents did what God told them to and pulled me away from the bad influences. Honestly, that was the best decision they ever made concerning me. I am so thankful now that they did, because I don't even want to think about where I would be if they hadn't. The sudden change of environment, though beneficial, was not easy to get acclimated to. I had a very hard time adjusting, and I would get bored easily. During middle school, our new church had gone through a lot of changes, including an almost completely replaced ministerial staff. We got a new pastor when I was in sixth grade, and he brought his family of four kids. Their oldest daughter, who is a year younger than me, was a friend of mine, and helped me tremendously through the transition from public to home school. She was one of the any supporters I had during this hard year. Looking back, I think the '08-'09 school year was probably my hardest year spiritually. While there wasn't as much disrespectful behavior as previous years, there was still a fair amount of fighting, not only with my parents but with God. I remember that year's camp so vividly. There were lots of angry tears shed as God broke down all of the layers I had built around my heart.

I look back on the past five years, and I see what a change God has made in my life. I went from being a disrespectful rebellious child on the path headed to destruction, and through his everlasting grace and mercy I am striving to become a godly young woman and be all that God intended for me to be. Every year, I have noticed an overall change for the better, and I can't wait to see what God does to me and through me this year. I never imagined I would be preparing for a mission trip at this age. I just turned 18, and I just graduated. But God opened a door, beckoned me to it, and said, "I want you to go." And go I shall.

Thankful for mercy,
Emily E.

Musical Mondays - Skillet - Monster

So quick update, then on to musical Monday. This week has been by far one of the craziest ever. During the first half of the week, I spent the day getting ready for my graduations and party, and then I would go to a different party every night. Thursday was my party, and we spent the entirety of that day setting up and cooking. Friday was the local public schools graduation, which I had fully intended on going to, but ended up with a headache, so I couldn't go. Saturday was the big day! I had my first graduation at 11, where I spoke and played piano. I was complemented by several people about the speech I gave. Both of the other speakers were very impressed, and I was so grateful that God gave me the proper words to say. The second graduation was at 4, and I played piano alongside several other students. Jared, my former youth pastor came up from Sarasota to speak, and it was wonderful to see him and his family again. (Congratulations are due to them as well because they are going to have another baby! This is so exciting, especially knowing that their first child was very hard to conceive and was prayed for for several years.) So that's all that has happened in the past week.

On to Musical Monday! I feel like writing about some hard rock. Do you want to hear about some hard rock? Let's talk about some hard rock. Hard rock, yay! This week's song is Skillet's Monster. I love this song, and all of their stuff, not only because of the music, but because the words have a good message as well. Let's begin!

The secret side of me

I never let you see

I keep it caged

But I can't control it

So stay away from me

The beast is ugly

I feel the rage

And I just can't hold it

It's scratching on the walls

In the closet, in the halls

It comes awake

And I can't control it

Hiding under the bed

In my body, in my head

Why won't somebody come and save me from this?

Make it end!

I feel it deep within,

It's just beneath the skin

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I hate what I've become

The nightmare's just begun

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster

My secret side I keep

Hid under lock and key

I keep it caged

But I can't control it

Cause if I let him out

He'll tear me up

And break me down

Why won't somebody come and save me from this?

Make it end!

I feel it deep within,

It's just beneath the skin

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I hate what I've become

The nightmare's just begun

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I feel it deep within,

It's just beneath the skin

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster

It's hiding in the dark

It's teeth are razor sharp

There's no escape for me

It wants my soul,

It wants my heart

No one can hear me scream

Maybe it's just a dream

Or maybe it's inside of me

Stop this monster!

I feel it deep within,

It's just beneath the skin

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I hate what I've become

The nightmare's just begun

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I feel it deep within,

It's just beneath the skin

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I'm gonna lose control

Here's something radical

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster

I'm not going to lie, I really like this song. A lot. More than I probably should. Also, did you know that Skillet, which has been a constant in the heavy rock genre for many years, released their first album in 1996? That was seventeen years ago! Though there have been a few line-up changes and additions, the membership of the band has stayed relatively the same, I believe.

The secret side of me
I never let you see
I keep it caged
But I can't control it
So stay away from me
The beast is ugly
I feel the rage
And I just can't hold it

There is a part of all of us that we don't like. We think that if it ever rears its nasty ugly head that people are going to look at us and say, "wow, they have some major problems What a freak!" We suppress it, we bury it so that no one else could ever possibly discover it. When we feel that it might manifest itself, we try to run. We hide away from others until the danger passes.

It's scratching on the walls
In the closet, in the halls
It comes awake
And I can't control it
Hiding under the bed
In my body, in my head
Why won't somebody come and save me from this?
Make it end!

It tries so often to escape. It claws at the walls we build to keep it in. It moves from the place we kept it hidden, to the place where people can find it. It gets so out of control that we feel like we're going insane. It's everywhere inside of us, and we just want it go away, but it doesn't.

I feel it deep within,
It's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become
The nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

This thing we keep hidden, it's finally grown too big. We feel like a disaster, a terror is occurring in our own mind. We hate this, and we have to let it out somehow. We know this is only the beginning of the fight within our mind, but we still can't help feel as though we are being eaten from the inside out.

It's hiding in the dark
It's teeth are razor sharp
There's no escape for me
It wants my soul,
It wants my heart

When we think it's all clear, it's still there, tempting, haunting. There is no escape for us. The monster inside wants to consume you. It wants to rule you. It wants to destroy you from the inside out and bring your life down with it.

No one can hear me scream
Maybe it's just a dream
Or maybe it's inside of me
Stop this monster!

The terrible thing about it, is that no one knows it's there. It's all in your own mind. Is it real? Or not? Who can tell?

Emily E.

Another Update

So today (5/25), I finished everything I needed to do in preparation for my trip to Canada! I booked my flights yesterday, and sent out all the final paperwork today. Now I'm working on an info board about Vancouver that I will set up at my graduation party and probably elsewhere, but I'm not quite sure yet. I'm also working on my speech for my first graduation, and I can't decide what I want to do. I am either going to use this post and simply read from it, or I'm going to take this post and expound upon the idea.

I like both of these for graduation, because I don't want to give the usual "this is not the end, it's the beginning" speech that every student speaker gives. I also don't want to just speak to my fellow graduates, but to the rest of the people in attendance. There are going to be all kinds of family and friends there, and the likelihood is that some of them might need a little reminding about life as a Christian. While I won't be focusing on how this is a new chapter in our life, I do want to let everyone know that our choices will affect the rest of our lives as adults, and I think both of my options will help with that.

I'm so excited about the next couple of weeks as I prepare for Canada. I've been contacting my fellow team members and getting to know them a little better over the past week. From what I know so far, this team is going to be on fire for God and serving Vancouver. I really am excited about the opportunities I'm going to have.

Busy as always,
Emily E.

Musings

I don't even know how to start this today. I guess I'm just going to have to say it straight forward.

I have no clue what I'm doing.

I am completely lost right now. I can't even tell which way is up at this point. I have been trying to find what is best for me for the future, and it has all gotten so confusing, with setting up flights and finishing paperwork for Canada, and with looking at colleges and scholarships and deciding what am I going to do with my life. I look around and everybody seems to have a passion that they want to fulfill, and they seem to have the drive to get the education that will get them there.

But with everything that's been going on, I think I've lost my passion. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to go to school, I don't want to go to Canada, I don't want to look for scholarships. I don't know what I want. I can't seem to see myself in any kind of situation in the near future. The only thing I see is becoming a wife and mother. Please, don't misinterpret that, above all, a mother is the most wonderful thing a woman can be. That is my ultimate goal, is to become a godly wife and mother, who will raise her children to become godly Christians. But that's all I see me as.

All of these problems, this lost feeling, comes from the same thing, I think. It comes from my sin. No, I haven't committed some terrible act but it's the little, everyday things, that drag me down. As I wrote earlier, I haven't had a quiet time with God since October. I've gotten lazier than every before. I've been procrastinating. I've been living a life of apathy. Nothing seems to motivate me anymore.

And it's my entire fault. Everything that is falling apart in my life is a direct consequence of my non-actions. And I can't go back and change them. All I can do is stop while I'm ahead and try to find my way back to God. When I say that God is all I have, I mean that God is literally ALL I have. All of my hope, my drive, my power, my desire, is in Him. When I lose that, I get so caught up in trying to find my own way.

But that's my problem; I'm trying to find MY way, not God's way. I'm searching for what will satisfy my desires, when instead I should be asking God what His desires are for me. What kind of a person am I if I can say that I am going ACROSS THE CONTINENT and to a different country to tell other people about the need to surrender their lives to Christ, but I can't even surrender my own?

I'm not saying I will ever be perfect. That's impossible. I'm lazy, disrespectful; I lack a drive to succeed, when I try to make a joke it comes out offensive and rude. I am not a nice person. I play polite like it's the easiest game in the world. I can play with your emotions then slam you about the one thing you're insecure about and bring your self-esteem crashing down. I am a terrible person.

But God keeps me from being that person. I can be better. But not from my desires, from God's. But I have to start listening to Him again. That's the key to any relationship: listening. If I can't listen to God, how can I listen to my parents, to my teachers? I can't, trust me, I've tried. It all comes down to the two listening to each other. When you give God your time and you listen to what He truly wants for your life, He will listen to what you want as well, because after a while, your desires will become similar to His.

I don't want to feel empty anymore. I want to feel alive again.

Feeling lost and alone,

Emily E

Musical Mondays- Emily Meadows- "Rise Up"

So today's Musical Monday is going to be a little different. Instead of talking about a song on the radio, I'm going to introduce you to one of my songs that I've written. This is a fairly new experience for me, sharing my songs with people. I’ve only let a handful of people read my music, because each song is very personal to me, and I wasn't prepared to share those things in the past. But I feel that this is good and right, so here we go.

I have decided I won't settle

For some shallow, worthless religion

I refuse to be let down gently

By some church's low expectations

My God is a God who’s passionate

My God is a God who’s intimate

If that is who my God is

Shouldn't the church be like that, too

It's time for a great awakening

The church has fallen asleep

It's time for us to come together

Imagine all that we could be

God's messengers, God's warriors

God's children, it's time to rise up

It's time to listen; it’s time to armor up

The enemy has destroyed our nation

But we shouldn't be despondent

We are the hope of this nation

Why are we still so complacent

This generation needs to decide

Who are we going to trust with our souls

We should have been inspired

By the God-man who gave up all control

Our God is a God who’s jealous

Our God came to live among us

If that is who our God is

Then shouldn't we be that way, too

It's time for a great awakening

The church has fallen asleep

It's time for us to come together

Imagine all that we could be

God's messengers, God's warriors

God's children, it's time to rise up

It's time to listen; it’s time to armor up

The enemy has destroyed our nation

But we shouldn't be despondent

We are the hope of this nation

Why are we still so complacent

Passion has left us

Come and fill us again

Love has not abandoned

We have walked away from Him

He came and gave Himself for us

What will we give in return

It's time for a great awakening

The church has fallen asleep

It's time for us to come together

Imagine all that we could be

God's messengers, God's warriors

God's children, it's time to rise up

It's time to listen; it’s time to armor up

The enemy has destroyed our nation

But we shouldn't be despondent

We are the hope of this nation

Why are we still so complacent

Let me give you the background of this song before we dive into it. I wrote "Rise Up" in January of 2012, after learning about Martin Luther in World History. My mom found this excellent docudrama about his life called "Luther". It is excellent and I highly recommend it. What I learned and saw as I watched this was that the Roman Catholic Church in Luther's day is no different than the rest of the churches today. The one post I made a while back (see here) was also written during that time. I wrote this as a declaration that I'm sick of Christians settling for a "basic life". No outreach, no true conviction, no true relationship. So this is that song.

I have decided I won't settle

For some shallow, worthless religion

I refuse to be let down gently

By some church's low expectations

My God is a God who’s passionate

My God is a God who’s intimate

If that is who my God is

Shouldn't the church be like that, too

This first verse is me taking a stand. No more of shallow church services, where you go in, sing some songs, listen to a watered down message from a man who may or may not be an ordained pastor, then leave and forget everything that happened while you eat at your favorite fast food place. I refuse to be put down to a low level of service because many adults in church believe that teenagers are good for nothing heathens. If our God is passionate and desires an intimate one-on-one relationship and truly cares about every single person, shouldn't the members of His church, His Children, be the same way?

It's time for a great awakening

The church has fallen asleep

It's time for us to come together

Imagine all that we could be

God's messengers, God's warriors

God's children, it's time to rise up

It's time to listen; it’s time to armor up

The enemy has destroyed our nation

But we shouldn't be despondent

We are the hope of this nation

Why are we still so complacent

Now is the perfect time to rise up against the normalcy of boring church life. It's the perfect time for us to band together and become a force for God. We could be so much as God's children. We could warriors for His Kingdom; we could be messengers for His truth. It's time to be counteractive against the evil that has overcome our nation, our world. We are the hope for this nation if we would stop sitting back and saying "Why bother?"

This generation needs to decide

Who are we going to trust with our souls

We should have been inspired

By the God-man who gave up all control

Our God is a God who’s jealous

Our God came to live among us

If that is who our God is

Then shouldn't we be that way, too

My generation, and the ones directly before and after me, need to stop sitting in the waves and letting ourselves be washed every which way and plant our souls somewhere. Even if someone decides to turn their backs on God, it is better that he choose one and not both. You cannot serve both God and Satan. Our God is jealous for our souls, He would rather you choose one, but He will refuse you if you linger in the in-between. Our God came to live among us. He came to be a light in this world, and He wants us to follow in His path.

Passion has left us

Come and fill us again

Love has not abandoned

We have walked away from Him

He came and gave Himself for us

What will we give in return

The passion we once felt when we first became Christians is gone. That joy we had has left us, because we have left God. We were the ones who walked away, not God. He gave up His Son's life for us.

What are we going to give Him in return for that payment?

Emily E.

To-Do for Canada

I am officially finished with High School. I graduate in 18 days. I leave for Canada in 41 days. Where has the time gone? Everything about my life is changing.

But enough with the melancholia, I have Canada update for you!

To do for Canada

• Arrange travel and airline tickets within the next week.
• Complete the following paperwork:
• Federal W-9 form
• Student Missionary Insurance Application
• Direct Deposit Authorization Form
• Send above forms to the North American Mission Board
• Share missionary placement with church so they can begin praying with me
• Wash clothes and pack my things

I cannot believe this is happening guys! In other update news, i am going to visit another school, this time looking into a recording and music production program. I have my last high school piano recital in exactly one week. I then have my graduation party in 17 days. After that, I have two graduations, both of which I will be performing at.

Also, on a more personal level, I had a time of devotion with God today for the first time since October. With how crazy my life has been with school and Canada stuff, I've put it off. None of that gives me an excuse, now does it? In the last three days, I've realized that I am not going to be any use to God in the mission field if I can't even begin with myself. How can I share with others the amazing story that is Christ if I can't remember what He has done for my life? The answer is, I can't. If I went out today, and I tried to tell people about the Gospel, i would be the biggest hypocrite. I started one of the week-long devotionals available on my YouVersion app (which is the best Bible app out there, it has almost every English translation of the Bible, and has dozens of other languages as well. The devotionals it has available for you to use are excellent as well. My sister highly recommends any of them written by Lecrae.), and this one talks about Authentic Serving. This is the last of the Authentic series that You Version has available, and so far, I quite enjoy it. 

I chose this devotional to help me find that attitude of a servant. Any case I get to meet any of you one day, I will warn you now by saying I am an extremely selfish and lazy person. It takes a lot of effort on another persons part to get me to get up and do something. This has also been a center of conflict in my house, because when you have several small children who need constant attention, a selfish, lazy teenager is not someone you want to be responsible for. So obviously, I need a very big dose of "get-your-act-together" to get me into that serving mindset. And today's topic was "It's Not About Me". How appropriate.

I firmly believe that if anyone is thinking of going into any kind of service industry, whether it be ministry related or not, they have to start with a heart of humility. No one can properly serve another if they are going about it with selfish intentions. It does neither party any good, it only hurts them both.So, naturally, I had some reluctance about going to Canada in the beginning, because who am I that I am qualified to have the privilege to serve God in one of the darkest 1st world countries? But, I think that's exactly why He chose me. I am nothing special; if it wasn't for the passion for music and the drive to succeed that was instilled in me at a young age, I wouldn't have accomplished anything out of the ordinary. I don't think I have accomplished anything extraordinary, to be honest, not yet. And even when I do, it won't be through my strength  it will be through God's guidance and grace in my life.

Maybe that's why I was called to go. So people can see my flaws and my problems, and see that God can love someone like me, and He can live someone like them, too.

Looking forward,

Emily E.