Musings

I don't even know how to start this today. I guess I'm just going to have to say it straight forward.

I have no clue what I'm doing.

I am completely lost right now. I can't even tell which way is up at this point. I have been trying to find what is best for me for the future, and it has all gotten so confusing, with setting up flights and finishing paperwork for Canada, and with looking at colleges and scholarships and deciding what am I going to do with my life. I look around and everybody seems to have a passion that they want to fulfill, and they seem to have the drive to get the education that will get them there.

But with everything that's been going on, I think I've lost my passion. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to go to school, I don't want to go to Canada, I don't want to look for scholarships. I don't know what I want. I can't seem to see myself in any kind of situation in the near future. The only thing I see is becoming a wife and mother. Please, don't misinterpret that, above all, a mother is the most wonderful thing a woman can be. That is my ultimate goal, is to become a godly wife and mother, who will raise her children to become godly Christians. But that's all I see me as.

All of these problems, this lost feeling, comes from the same thing, I think. It comes from my sin. No, I haven't committed some terrible act but it's the little, everyday things, that drag me down. As I wrote earlier, I haven't had a quiet time with God since October. I've gotten lazier than every before. I've been procrastinating. I've been living a life of apathy. Nothing seems to motivate me anymore.

And it's my entire fault. Everything that is falling apart in my life is a direct consequence of my non-actions. And I can't go back and change them. All I can do is stop while I'm ahead and try to find my way back to God. When I say that God is all I have, I mean that God is literally ALL I have. All of my hope, my drive, my power, my desire, is in Him. When I lose that, I get so caught up in trying to find my own way.

But that's my problem; I'm trying to find MY way, not God's way. I'm searching for what will satisfy my desires, when instead I should be asking God what His desires are for me. What kind of a person am I if I can say that I am going ACROSS THE CONTINENT and to a different country to tell other people about the need to surrender their lives to Christ, but I can't even surrender my own?

I'm not saying I will ever be perfect. That's impossible. I'm lazy, disrespectful; I lack a drive to succeed, when I try to make a joke it comes out offensive and rude. I am not a nice person. I play polite like it's the easiest game in the world. I can play with your emotions then slam you about the one thing you're insecure about and bring your self-esteem crashing down. I am a terrible person.

But God keeps me from being that person. I can be better. But not from my desires, from God's. But I have to start listening to Him again. That's the key to any relationship: listening. If I can't listen to God, how can I listen to my parents, to my teachers? I can't, trust me, I've tried. It all comes down to the two listening to each other. When you give God your time and you listen to what He truly wants for your life, He will listen to what you want as well, because after a while, your desires will become similar to His.

I don't want to feel empty anymore. I want to feel alive again.

Feeling lost and alone,

Emily E