When the World Feels Silent

About a week and a half ago, I wrote this post in a moment of weakness and loneliness. I hope it can encourage you all in your lives.

Earlier today, I had a sudden overwhelming feeling that I was not wanted. That my friends from school suddenly grown tired and annoyed with me. I felt in that instant that I meant nothing to anyone I have grown to love and cherish.

“No one has really talked to me today. Or yesterday. I’ve tried to talk to everyone but no one is really responding. Have I done something wrong? Am I too much, too talkative for them? Do any of them even like me? Why do I even bother? I lose all of my friends eventually anyway. They don’t want me; no one wants me. The universe is ignoring my existence.”

These thoughts, and so many others like them, bounced around my head in the matter of seconds. And this kind of thinking has been commonplace in my life for so long. I have struggled with negative self-thinking daily, and in the past year, it has been even worse. So much so that recently, I found a journal from the fall saying, “I don’t mind shouting aimlessly into the void, as long as the void remembers to shout back from time to time.” Even then, I felt as though nothing I did ever mattered or gained attention from anyone.

And then, within the same few seconds these ideas came flooding back into my mind, so did ideas that fought back against it. “No, no daughter. No, my child, I want you, I hear you, I delight in you when you speak.”

“No, she is precious, she is needed. She is not ignored at all. He hear’s all of it, He sees all of it.”

“Stop hurting me, I am safe in God’s arms.”

For the first time I can remember, when the negative voices arose, positive ones rose up as well. Instead of being sucked into the darkness of shame, hatred, and pain, I found myself caught in the middle of a war between the lies that Satan and my own sin nature had fed me for so long, and the truth that has finally been taking hold and growing in my soul and mind. And of its own accord, without prompting from anyone of my friends that I used to cling to.

It is hours later, and since then, I have talked to most of my friends, all good, positive conversations. Yet here I am, still wrestling with myself non-stop. Constantly feeling like any second the rug could be pulled out from under me and they could all be gone in a heartbeat. Constantly reminding myself that they all love me and that they would never just leave. I have been constantly trying to remind myself to think rationally. Some of them are at work, others are living their lives with other friends who deserve just as much love and attention as I do.

I am an incredibly emotional, extroverted person. I thrive off the energy of my friends. But when they are not around and they aren’t talking to me for any number of reasons, my energy and my outlook on life drops dramatically. I am slightly ashamed about this, but I understand it is a part of who I am and who God made me to be. Thinking with introverted rationale is incredibly difficult for me.

So why now? Why has this all been happening now? Why am I fighting so vehemently

within myself tonight? Because today the universe, the void, Creation, has been silent to me. But why has it been silent today after days of being open and loud and learnable? And how do I make it stop? How do I silence the ferocity and forte of the lies?

I often have to remind myself in these moments that I am not the first person to feel as if God, the universe, everyone around them has stopped talking to them. That is one of the reasons, even before I finally handed every bit of my life over to God’s control once and for all, I felt called to write. So others will not have to feel as lonely as I do at times.

Now, in the freshness of that feeling of loneliness, I feel compelled to write through my pain. Not only to process why I am struggling so badly, but to give those who are hurting a way to ease that hurt. Most importantly, it is through moments like these where God seems to speak the loudest, where His glory shines through our cracked, clay pots the brightest.

Today, the universe was silent and ignored me, because I had ignored it. I felt disconnected and forcible removed from happiness and peace because I decided not to give my time today to God. I woke up, and immediately focused on others things rather than opening my Bible like I have been and writing in my bible study journal. Since the beginning of the month, I have consistently been desiring to read the Bible, not because I know I’m supposed to, but because I’ve been craving it. Recently, I have been getting healthier mentally, physically, and spiritually. My anxiety and such things have been the lowest and least noticeable they have been in a long time because it’s all been in God’s hands.

Today though, it seems that I did not even acknowledge God’s movement in my life. So God was silent and ignored me because I decided to ignore Him. This is not how we should handle a relationship at all! To feel the presence of God, and to see Him constantly working in our lives, we must be close enough to Him to understand that it’s all for Him in the first place.

God never desires for His children to feel lonely. In the Bible, He is constantly calling us to draw near to Him. In Isaiah 55:1-3, He calls out to those who need His compassion: “Come, everyone who thirsts, come to the waters; and he who has no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without price. Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread, and your labor for that which does not satisfy? Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good, and delight yourselves in rich food. Incline your ear, and come to me; hear, that your soul may live; and I will make with you an everlasting covenant, my steadfast, sure love for David.”

We must be close enough to God’s Word, constantly exposing ourselves to it and the truth within, to be able to hear it, and in turn to be close enough to feel we are heard.

Learning through weakness,

Emily E. 

The Desire for Community and the Joy It Brings.

It's amazing the way things you knew before are reinforced throughout your life. As a child, I was taught that community is important, first with your family, second with your church, and third with your friends. And I feel as though the past couple of weeks I have been seeing this exemplified.

Spring Break has come and gone, my online classes are over, and I got a job (YAY!) I work 8:30-4:30 the days I go in, and that leaves me with a considerable amount of time to do stuff after I get off, and I get done with classes around the same time on those days. And it gives me the opportunity not only to take care of and focus on myself when I need to, but to also engage in the lives around me. I love to encourage and uplift people. It brings me joy to see other people happy and healthy. Seeing others praise God fills me with a desire to praise God. The community you surround yourself in will definitely influence the way you see life and the way you feel from day to day. But you also have the same ability to influence those around you.

My first day of work, I decided I was going to start working out. What??? If you know me, I would rather do anything else than workout most of the time. But this idea that I have an adult job in an office now and I have more adult responsibilities have given me a push to get into better shape I guess? I think a part of it is that I turned 20 over break and that was a hard thing to handle. I'm the second person in my close group of friends back home to age out of the teen years and that's a hard thing to deal with. But I decided to step up and go ahead and take care of myself now when I am already moderately healthy then try to tackle a bigger problem later. And one of the biggest reasons I've stuck with it for almost two weeks now without quitting is that I have a giant support group encouraging me to keep going and not give up and I want to keep up the work to prove to them that I can do it. Not in a prideful way, but in a "You encouraged me and I don't want to let you down" way. Having that community of people who will hold me accountable has helped me to keep going.

Within all relationships and communities, you must first uplift and take care of others, and they in return will uplift and take care of you. And throughout all of this mutual encouragement, God is constantly being praised and uplifted. And through community we become strong enough to handle tragedy, big or small. Community is the most important aspect of life for the Christian and is something the church of Acts understood very well.  They gathered together on the day of Pentecost (2:1) and were constantly meeting every day (2:46-47).

Gather together under the banner of Christ, rejoice with praise, bow in prayer, and love one another in community. Because at the end of our lives, all we have is Jesus and the community of Heaven.

In Christ, and In Love,
Emily E. 

As a child, I was selfish, I was greedy, I was mad when things didn't go the way I wanted them to. That is my heart. That is my humanity, it is my nature to want everyone to work their lives around mine, because I am the most important, I am the most valuable person on the planet. I think everyone else is inferior. And that is how I normally think. That is how I normally live. That is my human nature. My sinful, twisted human nature. I don't inherently like people. I think people are ignorant and ugly and rude and annoying. People irritate me to no end. I defined love as people waiting hand and foot on me and appealing to my desires and then leaving me alone. I walk around with a perpetual face of murder. This is how I have been for a very long time.

But then I fell in love with Jesus, because Jesus fell in love with me, and then, not only did He fall in love with me, He showed me. He wooed me, and He pursued me. He ran after my cold, dead, twisted, sinful, hateful heart. And He won it. I accepted the gift of Salvation when I was six, but until a year ago, I played a game, I treated Him like I treated everyone else. I used Him when I needed Him. And He let it happen for so long. But when I saw, when I truly saw, not with my mind and my eyes, but with my heart and my soul, that Jesus loved me so incredibly, selflessly, and completely, it changed my entire life. Now, I see myself as nothing but equal to everyone else on the planet. I have lowered myself and to some point, I have elevated everyone else above me to a degree. I find other people enthrallingly intelligent, beautiful, kind, and pleasurable to be around. I have come to love people (because let's face it, some people are really hard to like). People are a minefield of knowledge and experiences and it's beautiful. I now define love as me giving and pouring out to people, and seeing others do the same in return. I pull out of myself and I give what I can. I learn, I research, and I give my knowledge as much as I can. Granted, I still walk around with a face of murder, but some habits are hard to break. And I am still learning how to live like this.

Love pursued me, loved wooed me. Love saved me. And I can't hold in this love I have. Because this love I feel, I can't not let other people have a chance at feeling it and being saved by it as well. The entire world deserves to know that Jesus loves them. All of them. All the Atheists, the pagans, the Muslims, the Hindus, the Buddhists. All of them do not worship Christ, because they do not know the truth about Him. The downtrodden, the needy, the weak, they do not know the power and strength and hope that love and Jesus has given me. It is by the hope and peace of God that I do not go insane, that my life is not worse than it is, that I do not torture myself because of all that goes on within me. It is that same peace that I wish to give to people.

That is the biggest difference in my life now. I want to give to others, instead of having others give to me. I want to invest in the lives of individuals, instead of ignoring them or meet them in passing. I want to reach out and minister to those who need it the most. I want to give my life as an investment into theirs. And I don't think I want anything in return. The joy of knowing that I have tried to help someone else, and maybe even succeeding in helping is all the payment I need.

Growing constantly, Giving continuously,
Emily E.

Life, Peace, and Taking It One Day at a Time

Let's talk about peace. And how it affects our life.

Recently, I have had to go through some things that I should not have been peaceful about. But about two weeks ago, I realized that my relationship with God allows me to live my life without anxiety, without anger, and without worry. My relationship with Christ allows me to live in freedom, with peace and joy. And that's a really big deal.

Because even though I fell in love with Jesus, I didn't live in a very dedicated relationship. I remained devoted to Him because I had a relationship, but that didn't keep my eye from wandering. But a few weeks ago, I realized I had begun to walk away, I didn't care anymore. I was ready to stop going to church, to take a break.

And I got my heart broken. I tried to let someone else take the place of God, and it didn't work. But I made peace, because I didn't need that. It wouldn't have been good for me. And honestly, I'm glad, I'm humbled by the fact that God wanted me enough to call me back.

If some of you remember, I've been dealing with anxiety episodes since about August. And I have come to the point where I can look back and see it was because I was trying to do it myself. I wanted to do it, I wanted to plan my life my way. As I can attest to, and as the Bible warns, it doesn't work out.

You cannot live your life as a Christian, cut Christ out of your life choices, and expect to be successful. It simply doesn't work. I've tried it, my parents tried it when they were younger, I've seen really intelligent people try it. And they've screwed up. And they have all had to live with the consequences.

I also lost my job this week, and yet I have not been stressed about it, I have not been worried finding a new job. I am content with my life as it is right now. I have been going through the financial process with Liberty University, and I have hit some roadblocks. Some other schooling options have opened up, and I have been level-headed in searching for resources. I should not be this calm about it all.

But I have peace. Better yet, I have the Prince of Peace on my side.

So what do I have to fear?
Emily E.

Christianity and the Love of Jesus

So last night at church, we were talking about how Jesus told his first disciples to come and see, and follow Him. It got me thinking on Jesus's doctrines and lifestyle in general, and I realized something. Our Christian culture today, when trying to evangelize, tend to use either a fire and brimstone, you're going to hell if you don't believe in Jesus approach, or the happy happy happy everything is fine and dandy approach.

Neither of those are correct, but I want to focus on the fire and brimstone. I think today's North American church is all about getting as many people converted, and they aren't particularly focused on their spiritual health. We are constantly looking for the next soul to save, the next poor tortured person to pull from the grip of Hell, but for what? Where do we go with that conversation after saying, "Congratulations, you are now exempt from the fiery pits of Hell." Well, in a lot of instances, we don't do anything. We say good job, give them a pat on the back, then move on. And frankly, I don't think that's what Jesus would have wanted.

Jesus operated on the idea of love and mercy, not shame and judgement. And I don't think that's taught enough within the church, so it most certainly isn't taught outside of the church. And for that, I am truly sorry.

I grew up in a Baptist Church that became non-denominational while we were there, and I accepted Jesus into my heart at six years old, because I was afraid to go to hell. As a six year old, I was truly afraid, I wasn't looking for a relationship with a Savior, I was looking for a rescue. And after I found that rescue, I wanted to keep my Savior happy by doing what I was supposed to do. I wanted to follow the rules for fear of being punished. I realize now that probably wasn't the best way to go about things.

I am not saying my salvation at six years old was not real, because it was. But when I was in Vancouver over the summer, I didn't just realize that Christ's actions were out of love. I fell in love with a dead Man. Because that's what Christ was about. His actions were always backed by love, mercy, grace, forgiveness. And I saw that in Vancouver. I saw love in action, I wanted to become that love in action. So if you know me personally, and you hear me talk about how amazing Vancouver was, that's why. Because I fell in love with my Savior there.

Imagine it this way: A Prince and his Father looked around and saw that all of their people were doomed. And the only way they could fix it was to send the Prince to die in everyone's place. So He does. He steps down from his throne, willingly, and He lives life like his people. He actually ends up living worse than some of his people. He doesn't have a permanent home, he travels all the time. He goes around trying to woo his people, trying to tell them how much He loves them, and that soon He is going to die for them. And some of them believed Him, and some didn't. But eventually, they all realized that He was right. And some of them got upset, but the Prince said, "It's okay, I'm going to come back." And then He was killed. Brutally, disgustingly, in a way a Prince should not have to suffer. But He did; He was tortured, and he was beaten, and it was deplorable. And He died. And He stayed dead. And his followers, who loved Him, were discouraged, because one day passed, and then another, and still the Prince hadn't come back. But He said He would, they all thought, Surely the Prince would be able to cheat death. But He still did not come back. But the next day, they went to visit the tomb, and they discovered that the tomb was empty. Their Prince was gone! And He was with them again! For more than a month, He spent time with them, until he had to return to the throne. His job was done, and He had to go back to help His Father. But that didn't make Him love His people any less, He just loves them from a position of power.

At 18 years old, after having struggled to justify why I believed what I did, I realized, because I was loved. My entire life had been a process of Jesus wooing me to him through his love and sacrifice. And how, after seeing everything that He had done for me, could I say no?

I couldn't say no. It didn't make sense. I had nothing to live for except for Him, and He had already died for me. So what could I give Him in return to show my love? My life. I gave Him my life. And it hasn't been easy, in fact, I have found that I am just as moody some days now than I was before I discovered this love, but I always manage to catch a glimpse of a little miracle, of a flower opening, or a rabbit in the backyard eating, or of a baby crying, or of the sunset. And I remember, I am loved. And I am in love with a dead Man.

I want to love others that same way. I want to love with no boundaries, with nothing held back. I want to live with love constantly pouring out from every particle of my being. I want to be a walking billboard of love.

Emily E.

Domestic Skills and Reading Recipes

 

Last week, I had the opportunity to cook for my family twice. One recipe turned out quite successful, the other one did...not. Well, it did with the help of some maternal intervention. The first thing, some Brazilian cheese bread that is supposed to be for sandwiches (we ate it with our soup like pull apart bread), turned out delicious! I did exactly what the box said, and it all went smoothly. The second dish, a spinach and ham quiche, was almost a disaster. I did not properly read the recipe and almost made a nasty pie. Mom came and checked on it when I put it in the oven and fixed, though.

The recipe called for cream, but we didn't have any, so I just ignored that part. It also said to chop the spinach, which I didn't do. Mom then reminded me, that if I take something out of a recipe, I have to put something else in as a replacement, which in this case would be milk.

I think we as Christians do this sometimes. We will follow the plan God has set out for us, and everything will turn out great. Then we get prideful and say "God, do you see how well I handled that situation? I think I did pretty good, yeah? I don't need Your help this time, okay. Go take care of someone else." And we end up misreading the instructions (the Bible) and making one big mess. And then God steps in and reminds us that we need to read the instructions very carefully and do exactly what they say.

A recipe isn't there to keep you from having fun in the kitchen, is it? No, it gives you guidance on how to make (hopefully) delicious and healthy food that you can enjoy.  The same goes for God's Law. It is not to keep you from having free reign to do whatever you choose. It is there to help us along so that we may get the most out of this life and the next.

We all misread instructions from time to time, but God is good about watching His children and steering them back in the right direction.

Learning to read it all the first time,
Emily E.