My Brain is not a Joke

   

               

"Q: How many people with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Wanna go ride a bike?"

Why is my disorder a joke? Why are the drugs that can genuinely help the people like me so widely abused and are also the punchlines of so many jokes?  I have felt like this for a very long time. ADHD is very hard to live with. And ADHD is not a joke. But yet, that's how the world sees it. I've talked about my struggle to cope with being neuroatypical before, and I feel like it still needs to be addressed. Because everyone sees it as a joke. And I'm emotionally tired of having to show a half-hearted smile when people try to make those jokes about it. MY BRAIN IS NOT A JOKE!

And it hurts me. It hurts my self-esteem, it hurts my countenance, it hurts my heart when people, even those close to me, joke about it. Because even after being diagnosed for over a decade, every single day is a struggle. Every single day is hard to get through. And for so many of us, ADHD is just the beginning. There are seven different kinds of ADHD, and all of them can lead to other mental disorders. I have anxiety, and from that combination comes a Body-Focused Repetitive Behavior (BFRB) called Dermatillomania, which involves a hyper-focus on picking at the skin. I am most likely going to develop depression at some point in my life. ADHD affects every part of my life, and it will until the day I die. And yet people still think jokes are appropriate. 

Would you make a joke about Autism or Asperger's? Would you make a joke about cancer or an autoimmune disease? No, you wouldn't. So why do people make jokes about ADHD? ADHD is a mental disorder. Mental disorders affect the brain. The brain is an organ. THERE IS AN ORGAN IN A PERSON'S BODY THAT IS NOT FUNCTIONING AS A TYPICAL ORGAN SHOULD. So how is that a joke? How are peoples' daily struggles a joke to the world? Is it because it is a relatively new disorder? Is it that there has been an over-diagnosis among young children? 

Every single day is a struggle for me. It takes every ounce of energy I have to get out of bed at a decent hour, and even more concentration to get myself ready. As soon as I wake up, I am aware of everything that is in my room and the bathroom next door. I can hear every person in my house, and I can feel every living thing's presence in my house. I can hear the machines and computers that are on. Every single sound that is background noise to most people bombards my thoughts. 

I have become so strict and so meticulous about how everything in my personal spaces should be organized that it is almost a nightmare and is overwhelming if something is not in place. Everything has a specific place, and if it doesn't, every single second is spent trying to figure out where it's home is. I have to set five alarms every single day or I won't get up on time in order to do all the things I need to do.

I have an incredibly creative brain, but there is so much tossing around in it that I don't know how to bring it all out. My creativity output is nowhere near the amount of creative thought that happens at every single second of every single day. There would be no way I could ever get it all out. And quite often, if I don't make a note of an idea, I won't be able to remember it later. I am also incredibly smart, but it doesn't come across sometimes because I am notoriously reckless. Actions are not always thought out all the way through and consequences are not foreseen. That makes me seem really, really stupid sometimes. And I'm not stupid. Not at all. I talk because sometimes my brain is going to fast for my tongue or my fingers so when I say something I'll stutter on a single word for a while until I catch up with the rest of the thought, or sometimes when I'm typing or texting in an informal situation, I will type too quickly to realize that I skipped entire sentences or I misspelled words.

My brain is not a joke. I don't if it's a family member or a stranger, or even someone who has ADHD as well who says it. Mental illness is not a joke. It never has been and it never will be.

Emily E.

Breaking a Paralyzed Heart

This week has been absolutely amazing so far. For those who do not know, Christine Caine, the founder of the A21 Campaign, one of the largest anti- trafficking organizations in the world, is launching her new project, Propel Women, this week and has chosen to kick it off here at Liberty. I will be writing a post on Saturday summing up the entire week, but I want to talk to you all specifically about tonight.

Tonight Christine spoke at Campus Community (previously named Campus Church), and it was a message straight from God. I feel like there is a lot I don't know how to get out in a way that makes sense, but I'm going to at least try. First I want to share some points I got from her sermon, and then what God revealed to me tonight.

• So many Christians live far beneath the freedom Christ died for.
• God needs and is looking for a generation that not only sings songs that say "no going back" but who believe it and is willing to act upon it.
• God is looking for and going to use unlikely people in unlikely places using an unlikely plan to gain an unlikely result.
• You don't know what God is going to do with you and where He is going to do it.
• We treat God like He doesn't know what we don't have, as if God doesn't know who He called. 
• The thing that makes you feel unqualified is the same thing God is going to use to bring Him the greatest glory. 
• Do not limit God's supernatural ability in and through your life.
• I do not have it all together, but God does have it all together.
• Would you just trust God?
• Begin the walk into freedom.

Tonight was, to quote Mrs. Caine, "awesome". But there was a lot to take in and a lot of realizations to wade through.

First, my heart has become paralyzed with fear and anxiety and doubt and worry. And all of these things have caused my heart and my spirit to become hardened and overwhelmed and this has caused me to push God away to a point. I have lost sight of the God and the heart of Jesus that I saw two years ago. The one that loves me no matter what.

Secondly, I've been trying to fix myself and my problems on my own again. Again. I've been trying to solve everything on my own. Take these oils, do these exercises, eat this not that, read these books. And while none of those are inherently bad, none of them are God. But when did I stop and pray? Where in that did I sit down and open my Bible? Why did I let my independent spirit push away the biggest Helper I have available to me?

I have lost sight of my long term vision. I have become so caught up in school that I've forgotten why I came here in the first place. I have forgotten my heart's true passion to help people. That is all my heart wants to do when fueled by the Holy Spirit. I want to help people, no matter what or in what way. And I can't help people when I have forgotten who it is who fuels that passion. I have gotten caught up in the waves of busyness and learning and discovery.

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

My eyes aren't above the ways. I can't even see the sun. How blind and ignorant I have become to my own pain and confusion.

That being said, I have come to the point where I cannot handle this on my own. I am not able to manage this by myself, but I don't know where to start in being able to get back on track. I will be looking into the school's counseling services. I've heard excellent things from other students who have benefited from their services and I believe this is what I need. I do not know how to handle myself anymore. 

I have lost sight of the me that Jesus sees. I have missed the passion that I had even a few months ago. I have lost sight of my Christ identity. It is going to be a journey to find it again, and it is going to be a struggle to repair my relationship with Christ again. But for me, I know that it will be much better to ask for help from the right people now than the wrong people then. 

So. Pray for me. Pray for the rest of this week on campus, and for the beginning of the Propel Women movement. 

I do not have it all together, but God does.

I do not have it all together, but God does.

I do not have it all together, but God does.

I DO NOT HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER, BUT GOD DOES.

Emily E.

My ADHD Story

My name is Emily.
I am 19 years old, and I was diagnosed with ADHD in 1st grade. After meeting with a child psychologist for six weeks, my mother did extensive research on how to best raise a child with ADHD and how to best equip me to live my daily life. Lately, I have been feeling the need to share my personal experiences of living with ADHD.

First of all, what is it? What do all the letters stand for?
Attention Deficit
Hyperactivity
Disorder

I put the first two together because it is meant to read like that. (Really, it's supposed to read AD/HD) ADD is a lack or concentration and attention. ADHD has the added behavior of hyperactivity within the brain and nervous system. The Amen (Ah-men, not Ay-men) Brain Clinics have done extensive research on the brains of ADHD patients and have reconstructed the way it is studied, diagnosed, and treated. They have wonderful resources, including an online comprehensive test to help point out which type of ADHD someone has, as well as, the option of going through a 30 day plan that will guide someone through learning to cope with their personal type of ADD. I recently took the test, and I have a combination of Over Focused, Temporal Lobe, and Anxious ADHD.

"Over focused ADD is typified by cognitive inflexibility, trouble shifting attention, being stuck on negative thoughts or behaviors, worry, oppositional, argumentative, and a need for routines."
"Temporal lobe ADD is typified by a short fuse, misinterpretation of comments, periods of anxiety, headaches, and abdominal pain, as well as memory problems."
"Anxious ADD is typified by inattentiveness, distractibility, disorganization, anxiety, tension, nervousness, and a proneness to physical symptoms of stress, such as headaches and G.I. (Gastrointestinal) problems." All of these put together make a lot of sense now.

After I was diagnosed, my mother and my pediatrician decided to try flax seed oil pills to see if that had an effect on anything. I took those for about a year while my mother tried a new drug called Straterra to see how it worked and if there were any negative side effects associated with this new class of drugs. After a year of being on it and having great success with it, mom asked the pediatrician if we could try Straterra for me. I did very well on it, and I stayed on it for nearly 10 years. Last August, I stopped taking it (not because I wanted to, but because I kept forgetting, imagine that), however, I felt it was doing more harm than good on the days I did remember to take it.

After a few weeks, I had a really hard time breathing one night. We couldn't figure out what it was, and we thought maybe my asthma had resurfaced. I went to the doctor a few days later and she said everything sounded fine.Turns out I had my first anxiety attack. So on top of learning how to cope with no medication, I now had to learn how to cope with anxiety issues. It's been a...hard year and a half, but I think learning this all now in college is better than in the workforce where there is no sympathy for mental illness. I think this year and a half is just the beginning of my journey with this, and I already know so much more than I did.

I've learned how to describe ADHD to people without it. Think about your brain as a standard door. It opens one way to let things from the outside in, and the other way to let things from the inside out. For most people, this door closes appropriately; not so for people with ADHD. For people like me, the door never closes. There is a constant wave of stimuli flowing into our mind, and our mind is desperately trying to read it and react to it all while trying to focus on our own thoughts as well. Yes, this means our brain is working in what could be considered overdrive.

All the time.

Always. Forever.

And we can not make it stop.

ADHD is like have a Ferrari motor and bicycle brakes. Stopping just is not a thing.

This often leads to our brains working overtime while we are ready to go to sleep and be done for the day. Which means insomnia is quite normal. It could also mean that since the day has calmed down, our own personal, creative thoughts are able to thrive and we feel the need to work them out. I spent many nights awake writing, reading, and painting in high school. I did not have a regular sleep schedule until this semester, and even then there were some nights I didn't get to sleep until 3 am. And you know what? I was an absolute disaster those days. My inattentiveness was at an all time high on the days I didn't get much sleep. I am moody and much more susceptible to anxiety attacks when I am not rested.

People with ADHD also tend to jump from one project to the to the next without finishing the first project. Which means our work and living spaces may be a bit...cluttered. Or messy. Or it might just look like a disaster area. But please, please don't ever, and I mean EVER move something without telling us you are and where you are putting it. We remember where we put everything. Except our keys and ID's. We never remember where those go. If you find them, please tell us. And yes, we have every intention of completing every single project.

However, we also tend to hyper-focus on a single task. So while we may not work on just one project at a time, we will obsessively focus on one until we burn out and hit a wall with it. Then we will drift around trying to figure out what thing to do next. We might possibly get depressed at this point because we don't know why we can't make any more progress, and now we don't know what to do next. We start to feel a little lost. And that's okay. When I hit a wall, I get really tired and I become very lost and whiney. This is also where the anxious part comes in. If I am not doing something I see as productive, I get very, very anxious and worried that I have forgotten to do something. Which leads to an anxiety attack. This is not a problem for the majority of the people with ADHD, though.

Because our brain is constantly going, we will forget about a lot of things. And I mean, I will forget you answered my question literally three seconds after you answer me and I will ask you again. My poor roommate has reminded me to not forget the tea I made more times than I care to admit. My friends will remind me of what time we are meeting at least three times in a conversation so I only ask them again once.  My mother reminds me of things I need to do  a half dozen times and sometimes I still forget. I'll go to respond and my words will come out nonsense after I jumble up my actual response and my other thoughts. I get stuck on a word and stutter it until my words catch up and my mind slows down a hair. Sometimes I completely forget what our conversation is about...in the middle of the conversation.

I know this is not a comprehensive list of things ADHD people deal with, but it is what I have dealt with from day to day, and what I have seen in my various family members. (Also, all of us that have been diagnosed have very large, outgoing personalities, it makes family get-togethers very interesting). ADHD is a very personal, moldable thing, while the main symptoms are the same in most diagnoses, the things people struggle with vary greatly and can be incredibly personal. How someone copes with ADHD is also very personalized and what helps one person could further mess up another.

I am still learning how to cope without medication even after a year and a half, but I have figured out some things that personally help me. First of all, before anything else, you have to have the mindset that ADHD is not a disorder or a learning disability, it is an abnormal wiring of neurons in your brain. You have to believe that there is nothing wrong with you, you aren't broken or messed up; you have a different way of viewing the world. You have to not think of ADHD negatively, and think of it positively. I think that is the number one most important thing you can do when you decide to start positively coping with it.

Secondly, put yourself on a consistent schedule. Your brain needs routine more than a non-ADHD person. This has been my biggest help this semester. The first half, I really struggled with keeping a clear schedule and it affected my ability to get everything done and my ability to get everything done and my ability to focus on my work.(*Editor's note: do you see what she means? I purposely left that error in her writing.) This cost me some serious grades in my classes. But once I started writing out everything I need to do for the week, the day, the morning, night, my grades went up, my anxiety levels went down, and my sleep improved.

Third, change your diet. This is something that I've known, but haven't done, and I really need to start focusing on it. It is (or at least should be) commonly known that the food you put into your body affects how your  brain and body performs. With ADHD, it is imperative that you treat your body and brain right. Cut out refined and processed foods, sugary foods, up protein intakes, especially plant proteins. Also, I have heard that exercising daily helps as well. This sounds as it should be done in the morning before you start your day to get rid of any excess energy. Like I said, I absolutely need to start working on that aspect myself. Many times, the healthier your physical body is, the more likely your mind will be healthier.

Some of these things I have figured out on my own, some things my mother has shared with me, and others I have discovered through research. The past year and a half been all about discovery, and I have no doubt I still have much to learn. New research comes out all the time, and I am not in a constant state of being. But hopefully I've helped at least one person understand ADHD better, and maybe even understand themselves.

Constantly learning,
Emily E.