Beginnings, Endings, and Learning to Understand Yourself

At the beginning of the semester, I joined the Liberty University Debate Team. On Thursday, I officially left the team. I let go of an amazing opportunity and what some could consider wonderful practice for a future lawyer and I walked away. But why? Why would I dare to let such a thing go?

Because I learned. I learned about how Debate works, and I learned about myself and about how I would do in the sport. But I also learned about how I cope with things. I don't doubt for a single second that I wouldn't have been an excellent debater, I know I would have done amazing. But I also don't doubt that I would have worn myself out. And that is not something I want to do so early on. I already feel so worn down and stressed over everything and trying to balance both Debate and the amount of school work I have to do. After a month, I could not find a good equal balance between focusing my mind on school work and Debate work. I put more focus on school work, because ultimately, that is what is more important to me. And so I talked to my coach and I left. She understood what was going on and how much unhealthy and unnecessary stress I was dealing with and while she was upset that I was leaving, she wished me luck and it was a good parting. The team doesn't know, but since I'm posting this on Facebook later, they will now.

College is a time of learning. It's a time of learning more about the world around you, about the fields you are passionate and studying about, and about how you can interact and become a part of the world and an influencer instead of simply a consumer and a by-stander. It's also a time where you begin to truly learn about yourself and you begin thinking about who you are as a person, about your personality and your virtues and vices. It's where you learn about how you manage your own life and how you, and more specifically your body, deal and manage stress levels you aren't used to.

Last year after about a month being home from Vancouver, I woke up in the middle of the night and I was having trouble breathing. At first, I thought my childhood asthma had flared up and I was having an attack. I had a couple more episodes like this within that same week, and I treated it as asthma with nebulizer treatments until I was actually able to go to the doctor. They checked me out and told me it wasn't asthma, I was fine, they didn't hear any wheezing or general tightness in my chest. I went home and mom mentioned that maybe it was anxiety. I don't like to think of myself as being a relatively anxious person, but when I think about how I normally react to situations, it does make sense. That being said, having some form of an anxiety disorder, as I have not been to a doctor for this, but from my personal research have a pretty clear idea that this is what it is, has been relatively okay to manage. Over the past year, attacks have been minimal and have been rather easy to deal with. I understand that for me, focusing on fixing my breathing is the best thing (breathe in for a few seconds, hold, then let it out for longer and repeat a couple of times), and to tell myself that everything really is okay.

But in the past couple of weeks, I have realized that since I am taking Junior level courses, because I have transferred in with that many credits, I have a much heavier work load than I had previously anticipated. I have more required reading than I have hours in the day, and more need to study than I ever have before. And I was trying to balance that with Debate, and I just simply wasn't able to do so. If I focused on debate, a test was almost forgotten and performed poorly on. If I focused on school, which is what is and should be my  main focus as a student, I had no proof or evidence of my research to show. I think ultimately, I would have simply been a bad Debate partner and team member, and I would not have been able to healthily balance everything. And so now, I have time to actually do my school work, my breathing (which has been in a constant state of difficulty and just general tightness) is getting better, I'm focusing on keeping myself healthy and being the best me that I can be. Will I regret this choice to leave? Maybe. And I do miss the family I stepped into when I joined. Making friends is going to be harder now, but as many know, I make friends rather easily, not quickly, but easily. I am a people person by nature, and I thrive off of company. I don't doubt that my years here will be the best days of my life so far, and I am going to be learning even more about myself, the world that I so achingly love and long to adventure into, and the people who surround me.

Always learning.
Emily E.

Quick Life Update

I have to apologize for not writing so much recently. I am moving in to my dorm at Liberty on Sunday and have been incredibly busy packing. I am leaving a week early because I have joined the debate team and they are having a novice camp next week.

I won't be able to properly write anything for the rest of the week, but I'll try to have a Musical Monday up on time next week. It's been a really long time since I did one of those, but I have a lot of really good songs I want to talk about.

Busy as always,
Emily E.

Beach Memories

So, as some of you may know, I have grown up in Florida. Everywhere I go, I have been asked whether I went to the beach a lot growing up, and I always have to answer yes. Recently, I've been wanting to go back for a day, just to have fun. I've also been thinking about memories about past trips, and which memories are my favorite. And I recall one vividly.

I was camping with a church group, and the teenagers had all decided to go to the beach that was across the street from the campsite. It was a terribly cloudy day, and there was a storm rolling in. We got to the boardwalk and sat there for a while, just talking. It was cold and windy and dark, but it was good. We watched the boys climb the dunes and push each other down, and we sang Disney songs like the silly children that we were.

After we got bored of the boardwalk (haha play on words), we finally walked down to the beach. And it was terrible. the wind blasted the sand against our legs and into our eyes, we felt the ocean spray stick to our arms. But it was wonderful at the same time. The smell of the salt and rain on the horizon, and the gulls were sitting on their nests, waiting for the rain to come. We stood around watching the waves, sticking our feet into the freezing waters. There was a thunderstorm warning, and the foam on the waves was incredibly thick.

It was awful, but yet it wasn't. Because it was one of those moments where I felt a sense of peace that you can  only feel when surrounded by your friends with the natural silence of a collective state of contentment. We didn't care that it was cold. We didn't care that we had sand sticking to us, we had each other, and it was good.

In Canada, I learned of the Hebrew word Tov. Many people sometimes get this word's definition confused with the word perfection. But tov does not mean perfect. It literally translates to "the way I intend to be." It is a word of reverence, of awe and a word of peace. It is that stillness you feel where, no matter what else is wrong with the world, at that moment, everything is okay. It is a word you say with peace, after something beautiful. Many of my beach memories have been ones that I associate with tov. Because at the end of your time there, you walk back up the beach and you look back one last time, and you smile. Because you had fun (hopefully), and something about the beach just makes you feel a little bit closer to nature and to God.

As the weeks pass and the countdown to Liberty gets shorter, I've realized a lot of things. I realize that I'm not going to have the chance to make anymore of those memories. I'll be in the mountains of Virginia, not the beaches of Florida. I'll have more moments of tov,but they wont be the same kind of moments. They'll be mountain memories, which are just as lovely in my mind as beach memories. But I'll have a new set of friends, a new set of souls to share these memories with, and part of me is feeling bittersweet about this. I think my friends and my family and I are all starting to realize that me, and a couple of other friends, are leaving to start a new part of our lives. We are going off to follow God's call for our lives, and we may not ever come back home. And so we have all decided to make this summer, the best summer ever. We have decided that we are going to pack as much into these months as we can. And we still have a lot of things planned. This is going to be a summer of tov. And while some things may not end up the way we think they will be, in the end, the camaraderie and the friendships we deepen and cement are going to be the ones I remember. I'll forget high school memories, but I won't forget the times when we face changes.

Change is scary, I'm not going to lie. I'm going to go away and my friends are going to keep living life without me. And when I come back for visits, things are going to have continued without me. And while I experienced that some when I was in Canada, it's going to be so much harder I think, because I know that I'm going to keep moving on, and I'm going to start my life as an adult, I'm going to be studying to start my career and keep moving forward, and everyone else is going to go in different directions. And while this is normal and is nothing to be afraid of, it still leaves me wondering, what is going to be my next tov moment? Who is going to be with me when I make an everlasting memory?

But, with this idea of tov, I remember that it's not about change, or about perfection, it's about peace. And peace is somthing that I don't naturally have a lot of. And so, I strive for peace in my life. I strive for peace in my worrying, for peace in my decisions. Because that is tov.

Emily E.

Important Life Updates

It has been a while since I have written anything, and I should probably tell you why. I have had a lot of road blocks come up recently, and I wanted to make sure I got over them before telling anybody anything. So, if you have asked me in the past couple of weeks what my plans for the future are and I have given you some vague answers, that is why. (Also, I simply don't like people asking me about my plans for the future. Focus on your own lives, and focus on the now, not the future. It happens when it happens.)

So, first and foremost, what are my plans for school? I am now officially going to Liberty University in the Fall. I am going to get a Bachelor's in English, and I will (hopefully) graduate with that in 2016. I am sending in a video audition for the marching band, and if accepted, I will be leaving early August to start band camp. I will also be applying for work study, preferably for one of the library positions. 

Second, how am I paying for school? Honestly, that is none of anybody's business. But just know that God has provided for me and even though it is not the most preferable method, it is going to get me through.

Third, what are my plans for the summer? You mean, the summer that is half over? Not much, to be honest. I am cleaning out a lot of my stuff and selling it, and I am going to start getting ready for Liberty. I have summer orientation in July sometime, so I will be heading up there for that as well. I also plan on finishing some paintings I promised my mother, so hopefully will get that done. I am also volunteering every other week at our local organic co-op. My friends and I are trying to get as much crammed into this summer before me and my best friend leave in August. I am also trying to do as much fun stuff with my younger brother before I leave, because this is the last summer we really have together, and these are going to be the most vivid memories he has. 

Now, what do I need to do to get ready to leave? So much. Let us make a checklist, shall we?

• Film and send in my video audition for the Spirit of the Mountain band. 
• Attend summer orientation
• Register for classes and meal plans.
• Declutter my possessions and start deciding what I want to take with me.
• Buy band shoes and gloves.
• Buy new school clothes because I have Florida friendly clothes that are not suitable for the Virginia mountains in winter time. 
• Buy new school supplies because I have run out, it seems. 
• Pack everything I need.
• Sign up as a doTerra Essential Oils rep so I can still have those while I am gone. 

I think that is it. So, if you have been wondering what has been going on in my life and what my final plans are, there you go. Also, if you know me personally and you want to meet up with me one last time before I leave, let me know.

Finally seeing some direction,

Emily E.

The Clare Issue

I am livid. I am furious, I am beyond appalled. For those of you that haven't seen the story, or for those of you who live outside the United States, a girl in Virginia was kicked out of her homeschool senior prom over the weekend for an absolutely ridiculous reason.

She was kicked out because the organizers of the event thought her dress, though suitable within dress code and not the shortest one there, was inappropriate and that her dancing, which she was not doing, was also inappropriate and that she was causing "the young men at the prom to think impure thoughts." Not only that, but the way she and the rest of her group was treated by the organizer of the prom was absolutely unprofessional and horrendous.

Here is the story, and here is the follow up post. Please excuse any explicit language you may come across.

Now, there is a lot going on here, and I want to address it all. First of all, go Clare for being excited and comfortable with your body and being able to absolutely rock that dress, and for breaking the racial boundaries that the South is known to have. Your boyfriend seems very sweet and I applaud him in his ability to keep calm during this whole ordeal. To have your significant other called out is a terrible thing and I'm sure this is hard on him and the rest of your family as well.

Secondly, I applaud both Clare and the rest of her group for trying to be as respectful and as mature about the situation as possible. I know at the end things got a little rough, but the fact that they even tried to go about this in a respectable, calm manner means volumes. I know personally, I would have had a fit right there, so I think they deserve a lot of respect for that.

Honestly, I think the teenagers handled this situation the best they could and used their resources and abilities to make the situation known. However, they did lose their temper at the end when they were escorted out, but they all agree that it was the wrong way to go about things.

What I am appalled with, is the way the adults handled this situation. The fact that the fathers, the fathers, were staring and ogling at the teenagers is disturbing as it is and should be addressed as such. There is a terrible, terrible stigma within church culture that it is the father/husbands job to moderate and keep tabs on what their daughters and wives wear. Honestly, I love my father and i respect him. He is the most important man in my life besides Jesus, and if he was uncomfortable with something i was wearing, I wouldn't wear it, and that goes for a majority of girls I know. I highly doubt from everything else I have read that her father would have let her out of the house in that dress had he not felt comfortable with her wearing it.

Secondly, I am disappointed that none of the other adults involved with leading the event got involved. It seems that this was the solely the responsibility of Mrs. D, who called her out both times and caused a commotion in the first place. When the other woman who pulled Clare aside was asked whether she believed it to be too short, she said it wasn't her place to say. So, one we see a woman abusing her power as organizer, and another who is not willing to get on her bad side. When asked, a security guard also said it wasn't his place to comment (which in all fairness, it wasn't. He's a security guard, not the fashion police).

This kind of thing happens all the time. You have one person who has some small leadership role, who blows up the significance of their responsibilities to the extreme, and because of this reason, others are afraid to contradict them. It was that woman's place to say whether or not she agreed with Mrs. D, and she should have given her opinion.

I'm utterly disgusted with the way these young adults were treated, honestly. they were shut down and not given a chance to defend their friend. Clare was falsely accused of dancing provocatively and her friends were not allowed to dispute this. This whole situation was skewed and the argument was one sided. There was no chance at defense, and had this been within a court of law, it would have never, ever been acceptable practice. Also, her entire group of six were given verbal promise of a refund for all having to be kicked out on unjust reasoning, and only Clare and her boyfriend have been given one.

This kind of behavior is disgusting in or out of the church. It is called slut shaming and it is being prejudiced or biased against a person for the clothing they choose to wear, whether it be revealing or not. It is wrong and it needs to stop. I am really really sad to know that church culture is so bad about this. We say we love everybody, yet we give them disapproving glances when they show up in clothing we think is unsuitable.

How dare we.
How dare we think that because we follow a guideline set for or specific religion or our specific denomination that must mean every other person in our presence should follow it too. Jesus Christ compels us, not to judge those around us, but to love them. And I am disgusted, i am appalled, I am livid.

But most of all, I am guilty. I grew up in church culture that didn't advocate this kind of behavior, but it didn't speak against it either. If a woman showed up to church or to anywhere really, and they were wearing something we didn't consider modest, we talked about it. My mother and I talked, my sister and I talked, my friends and I talked. It was harmless gossip, right? Well, looking back, I see how wrong I was. And I am sorry, that I have been a part of the problem. I am sorry that I grew up in a culture that encouraged slut shaming, and encouraged this kind of discrimination. And I fell into that without a second though.

With this whole situation arising, I've begun to evaluate how I feel about the whole modesty movement within churches today. And I realize that there are some things wrong with it. I feel that this post is already long enough, so I will be writing about it in a different post. But let me say right now: Modesty is a matter of the heart, not what you put on your body. It applies to men and women, and it is in no way gender exclusive.

Emily E.

Musical Mondays- My Song is Love Unknown

I don't have any in depth analysis for this. I found this hymn in my hymnbook and I felt like sharing it. This is My Song is Love Unknown, written by Samuel Crossman in 1664. I've never heard this song, but here is a link to a video of it.

My song is love unknown,
My Savior's love to me,
Love to the loveless shown,
That they might lovely be.
O who am I,
That for my sake
My Lord should take frail flesh and die.

He came from his blest throne,
Salvation to bestow:
But men made strange, and none
The longed for Christ would know.
But O my friend,
My friend indeed,
Who at my need His life did spend!

Sometimes they strew his way,
And his sweet praises sing;
Resounding all the day
Hosannas to their King.
Then, "Crucify!"
Is all their breath,
And for his death they thirst and cry.

In life, no house, no home
My Lord on earth might have;
In death, no friendly tomb
But what a stranger gave,
What may I say?
Heav'n was His home:
But mine the tomb wherein he lay.

Here might I stay and sing,
No story so divine;
Never in love, dear King,
Never was grief like thine!
This is my friend,
In whose sweet praise
I all my days could gladly spend.

Life, Peace, and Taking It One Day at a Time

Let's talk about peace. And how it affects our life.

Recently, I have had to go through some things that I should not have been peaceful about. But about two weeks ago, I realized that my relationship with God allows me to live my life without anxiety, without anger, and without worry. My relationship with Christ allows me to live in freedom, with peace and joy. And that's a really big deal.

Because even though I fell in love with Jesus, I didn't live in a very dedicated relationship. I remained devoted to Him because I had a relationship, but that didn't keep my eye from wandering. But a few weeks ago, I realized I had begun to walk away, I didn't care anymore. I was ready to stop going to church, to take a break.

And I got my heart broken. I tried to let someone else take the place of God, and it didn't work. But I made peace, because I didn't need that. It wouldn't have been good for me. And honestly, I'm glad, I'm humbled by the fact that God wanted me enough to call me back.

If some of you remember, I've been dealing with anxiety episodes since about August. And I have come to the point where I can look back and see it was because I was trying to do it myself. I wanted to do it, I wanted to plan my life my way. As I can attest to, and as the Bible warns, it doesn't work out.

You cannot live your life as a Christian, cut Christ out of your life choices, and expect to be successful. It simply doesn't work. I've tried it, my parents tried it when they were younger, I've seen really intelligent people try it. And they've screwed up. And they have all had to live with the consequences.

I also lost my job this week, and yet I have not been stressed about it, I have not been worried finding a new job. I am content with my life as it is right now. I have been going through the financial process with Liberty University, and I have hit some roadblocks. Some other schooling options have opened up, and I have been level-headed in searching for resources. I should not be this calm about it all.

But I have peace. Better yet, I have the Prince of Peace on my side.

So what do I have to fear?
Emily E.