On Waiting for God to Bring Him to Me

This week at my church, we are having a speaker and an expert on godly relationships teaching our adults and youth ministry while we have VBS (Vacation Bible School) for our children’s ministry. Dr. Richard Marks is brilliant and has incredible insight from years of ministry and being a counselor, and has a large amount of godly wisdom to give. This week, the purpose is not to focus on marriages and romantic relationships specifically, but on relationships as a whole and how we interact with other humans on a daily basis. There is so much I wish I could comment on and write more about, but what stuck out to me was this passage of scripture he mentioned as a way to show how we as humans are wired for community and emotionally close relationships with each other.

“Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.’ Now out of the ground the Lord God had formed every beast of the field and every bird of the heavens and brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.” - Genesis 2:18-22.

One of the things that stuck out to me that Dr. Marks said is one of the reasons God didn’t instantly give Adam the gift of companionship immediately is so he could understand how desperately he needed Eve. We cannot understand the blessing of togetherness without first knowing the pain of loneliness. This is so evident in the passage; we are made to be close not only to God, but to others. Adam would interact and walk with God every single day in paradise before Eve was brought to him. And yet, he still felt the pain of being alone.

But the biggest thing that stuck out to me was when Dr. Marks said, “Adam didn’t wake up and Eve was suddenly just there; It says that God brought her to him.” In the past few months, God’s been doing some really heavy work in my life, and one of the biggest things is letting go of my control problems and my desire to find myself a husband. I realized recently that God will bring Dude (the affectionate nickname I have given to my future husband, whoever he may be) into my life and down my path whenever He sees fit. And Dude isn’t just going to show up. He is going to be walking hand in hand with God, just as I am, and God is going to lead him to me, introduce us, and then put our hands together so we can all start walking down this new hybrid path of our lives combined.

There are still days and nights where I get incredibly sad and lonely. There are times where it physically hurts how incredibly alone I feel. But Adam felt the same way. And that is such an encouragement. Adam, who physically walked with God in paradise when all that existed was perfection, felt the same pain. It makes complete sense for me to feel that pain today in a fallen world.

Tonight, however, I gained a new perspective on the pain of loneliness. This loneliness is here for several reasons. It is here to draw me even closer to God and lean on Him and his closeness in this time of singleness. It is there to draw me closer to the non-romantic relationships in my life. It is there to allow me to take the love I want to be able to give to a husband and to pour it into the lives of even more people in a different form. Being in this period of waiting allows me the time and experience that comes with learning how to love different kinds of people in the way that best meets their greatest needs so I can one day be able to meet Dude’s needs without it being a large learning process. Finally, the pain of loneliness is what will allow me to be able to fully appreciate Dude every single day as we walk through life as partners.

So for right now, I will cherish the loneliness, with the understanding and hope that one day, I will not be alone anymore. I will not chase after men in the hopes they are “The One.” We are specifically instructed not to do so in Song of Songs (“Do not stir up love until its time.”) Instead, I will let myself cry. And I will let myself acknowledge the feeling of being alone. I will pour that love I want to give into the lives of those already around me. And one day, God will bring Dude walking down the path to meet me.

Waiting in patience,

Emily E.

When the World Feels Silent

About a week and a half ago, I wrote this post in a moment of weakness and loneliness. I hope it can encourage you all in your lives.

Earlier today, I had a sudden overwhelming feeling that I was not wanted. That my friends from school suddenly grown tired and annoyed with me. I felt in that instant that I meant nothing to anyone I have grown to love and cherish.

“No one has really talked to me today. Or yesterday. I’ve tried to talk to everyone but no one is really responding. Have I done something wrong? Am I too much, too talkative for them? Do any of them even like me? Why do I even bother? I lose all of my friends eventually anyway. They don’t want me; no one wants me. The universe is ignoring my existence.”

These thoughts, and so many others like them, bounced around my head in the matter of seconds. And this kind of thinking has been commonplace in my life for so long. I have struggled with negative self-thinking daily, and in the past year, it has been even worse. So much so that recently, I found a journal from the fall saying, “I don’t mind shouting aimlessly into the void, as long as the void remembers to shout back from time to time.” Even then, I felt as though nothing I did ever mattered or gained attention from anyone.

And then, within the same few seconds these ideas came flooding back into my mind, so did ideas that fought back against it. “No, no daughter. No, my child, I want you, I hear you, I delight in you when you speak.”

“No, she is precious, she is needed. She is not ignored at all. He hear’s all of it, He sees all of it.”

“Stop hurting me, I am safe in God’s arms.”

For the first time I can remember, when the negative voices arose, positive ones rose up as well. Instead of being sucked into the darkness of shame, hatred, and pain, I found myself caught in the middle of a war between the lies that Satan and my own sin nature had fed me for so long, and the truth that has finally been taking hold and growing in my soul and mind. And of its own accord, without prompting from anyone of my friends that I used to cling to.

It is hours later, and since then, I have talked to most of my friends, all good, positive conversations. Yet here I am, still wrestling with myself non-stop. Constantly feeling like any second the rug could be pulled out from under me and they could all be gone in a heartbeat. Constantly reminding myself that they all love me and that they would never just leave. I have been constantly trying to remind myself to think rationally. Some of them are at work, others are living their lives with other friends who deserve just as much love and attention as I do.

I am an incredibly emotional, extroverted person. I thrive off the energy of my friends. But when they are not around and they aren’t talking to me for any number of reasons, my energy and my outlook on life drops dramatically. I am slightly ashamed about this, but I understand it is a part of who I am and who God made me to be. Thinking with introverted rationale is incredibly difficult for me.

So why now? Why has this all been happening now? Why am I fighting so vehemently

within myself tonight? Because today the universe, the void, Creation, has been silent to me. But why has it been silent today after days of being open and loud and learnable? And how do I make it stop? How do I silence the ferocity and forte of the lies?

I often have to remind myself in these moments that I am not the first person to feel as if God, the universe, everyone around them has stopped talking to them. That is one of the reasons, even before I finally handed every bit of my life over to God’s control once and for all, I felt called to write. So others will not have to feel as lonely as I do at times.

Now, in the freshness of that feeling of loneliness, I feel compelled to write through my pain. Not only to process why I am struggling so badly, but to give those who are hurting a way to ease that hurt. Most importantly, it is through moments like these where God seems to speak the loudest, where His glory shines through our cracked, clay pots the brightest.

Today, the universe was silent and ignored me, because I had ignored it. I felt disconnected and forcible removed from happiness and peace because I decided not to give my time today to God. I woke up, and immediately focused on others things rather than opening my Bible like I have been and writing in my bible study journal. Since the beginning of the month, I have consistently been desiring to read the Bible, not because I know I’m supposed to, but because I’ve been craving it. Recently, I have been getting healthier mentally, physically, and spiritually. My anxiety and such things have been the lowest and least noticeable they have been in a long time because it’s all been in God’s hands.

Today though, it seems that I did not even acknowledge God’s movement in my life. So God was silent and ignored me because I decided to ignore Him. This is not how we should handle a relationship at all! To feel the presence of God, and to see Him constantly working in our lives, we must be close enough to Him to understand that it’s all for Him in the first place.

God never desires for His children to feel lonely. In the Bible, He is constantly calling us to draw near to Him. In Isaiah 55:1-3, He calls out to those who need His compassion: “Come, everyone who thirsts, come to the waters; and he who has no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without price. Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread, and your labor for that which does not satisfy? Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good, and delight yourselves in rich food. Incline your ear, and come to me; hear, that your soul may live; and I will make with you an everlasting covenant, my steadfast, sure love for David.”

We must be close enough to God’s Word, constantly exposing ourselves to it and the truth within, to be able to hear it, and in turn to be close enough to feel we are heard.

Learning through weakness,

Emily E. 

Musical Mondays - The Last Bison - Switzerland

What!? After TWO YEARS , I'm finally writing another Musical Mondays post?? Yes I am! Mainly because I've recently gotten back into making music myself, but also because I've been digger deeper into the music I listen to. I've been focusing a lot on the types of music I listen to and the kind of things I let into my mind and my life. So I feel now is as good a time as ever to bring back this short-lived tradition.

Today, I have a song that was actually shown to me by my best friend. It is by a band that is actually very close to another good friend of ours that I was just introduced to this past week. (Needless to say, they have been on repeat for the past week.) After Holly showed me the music video to this song, she said, "I heard this song and thought, 'This is how Emily sees Canada.'" And it's absolutely true. 

We tried to sleep up in the banks of snow

But soon discovered it was far too cold

So we then retreated into town

To find a place where there was level ground

Oh, Oh

Call home

Oh, oh

Call home

Oh, Oh Switzerland

You've taken away my breath now once again

You've left me with a sense of compassion

For the ones who

Can't pick themselves up off the ground

Oh Switzerland

I never thought I'd have you as a friend

I'm praying it was not at all pretend

I need you now

To help pick me up from off the ground

Our drinks were hardly worth the price we paid

But we thanked God for them anyway

With five minutes left we broke our backs

To spend more money than either of us had

Oh, Oh

Call home

Oh, oh

Call home

Oh, Oh Switzerland

You've taken away my breath now once again

You've left me with a sense of compassion

For the ones who

Can't pick themselves up off the ground

Oh Switzerland

I never thought I'd have you as a friend

I'm praying it was not at all pretend

I need you now

To help pick me up from off the ground

Honestly, reading through the lyrics again, I can't help but internalize them. I've never truly been able to describe the way I feel about my time in Vancouver, but in all honesty, this song does a pretty darn good job of it. To be able to describe to someone who has never experienced a new country or place the same way you did is a hard thing, and it's even harder to describe the feeling of falling in love with a place. And to my future husband, whoever you may be, I am sorry, but I will never fall in love with you the way I did with Canada. I'm not even sorry. 

We tried to sleep up in the banks of snow

But soon discovered it was far too cold

So we then retreated into town

To find a place where there was level ground

In an interview, Ben Hardesty (the lyricist) said "I think the main message of the song is what that experience left me with, which is an empathy for people who don't have the things that I have, simple things like shelter and food to eat. It just left me kind of  with a more real sense of what it's like not to have those things." He and his friend who was traveling with him ended up having to make camp behind a grocery store, in the cold night, after discovering there were no places that had lodging after the train had left for the night. 

Sometimes, when you are in a foreign country, and you suddenly are not the one who belongs, it is much, much easier to see that country from the perspective of someone who has nothing. Because for all intents and purposes, legally, you have nothing. You do not have any power or safety, and you are completely dependent on your ability to play to the sympathy of those who actually do. In Vancouver, because I spent so much time downtown, I connected with and felt more empathy towards the homeless community of that city that I have or will probably ever feel for the homeless communities around me here in the States. Because I would have been in the same position had I moved to Vancouver by my own means. 

Oh, Oh

Call home

Oh, oh

Call home

Oh, Oh Switzerland

You've taken away my breath now once again

You've left me with a sense of compassion

For the ones who

Can't pick themselves up off the ground

Oh Switzerland

I never thought I'd have you as a friend

I'm praying it was not at all pretend

I need you now

To help pick me up from off the ground

There were a number of times when I was in Vancouver when I desperately wished I could have called my family right then and there and talked to everyone back at home. But sometimes, you have to suck it up, pray to God to keep you safe, and then walk into a new situation with the intent of taking it all in. God cannot teach you or use you if you sit in your comfort zone or if you continuously jump back to it. 

It seemed like every single day I spent in Canada there was something else that would cause me to step back and catch my breath. Whether it was the view from the top of mountains, or if it was the spiritual truth I was learning, or if it was just the immense need to love the people, I was constantly overwhelmed by Canada. And it definitely opened me up to the idea that there are broken people everywhere, and it allowed me to really hone my ability to understand people and the reasons behind the things they do. There are not only people who don't have to financial means to pick themselves up from physical, worldly poverty, but there are far more who do not know how to pick themselves up out of the metaphorical mud they have been dragging their souls through. 

Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that my time in Canada would change my life and the way I viewed people in the way that it did. Never did I think that I would reach one of my lowest points in British Columbia, or that it would be the sight of Vancouver from the top of Grouse Mountain that pulled me up out of that and allowed me to take care of things from my past and be able to take the steps to move on with my future. But it did. That's exactly what happened, and I am so incredibly grateful for it. 

Our drinks were hardly worth the price we paid

But we thanked God for them anyway

With five minutes left we broke our backs

To spend more money than either of us had

Sometimes, when you are freshly eighteen and out of high school...you forget how to budget things. And sometimes, you almost run out of money because you didn't choose the cheaper options in a foreign country and you pray really, really hard, that your debit card will work in the dirty ATM sitting by the fish shop. Yes, that actually happened, and yes, I have since (almost) learned my lesson. The point is, sometimes you have to forget frugality in order to fully experience the world around you. 

When you are on a budget in a different place, you learn to be incredibly grateful for the things you have and the things you get to experience. Every day was a blessing and an opportunity to fall in love with God and with Vancouver even more than I was the day before. Spending money that I probably shouldn't just allowed me to have experience that to the fullest extent. Whether you spend that money in Switzerland or Canada, I don't think it really matters. What matters is that you are consistently thankful for God's provision in your stupidity and naivety, and that you are grateful and awe-struck by the experience you are given. 

In all honesty, I completely believe my friends when they say my eyes still light up when I talk about Vancouver and my time spent there. because I will never fall out of love with it. One day, I will go back to British Columbia, and it might look completely different than what I remember, but that's okay. Because then I get to fall in love with it and the beautiful people of it all over again. This blog was started as a way to keep everyone in my life updated on how my life was going while I was in Canada. Even now, nearly three years later, I'm still updating you all, because a part of my heart is still there, growing with the city and wandering the streets, breaking for the lost and scared people who do not know how to find the Light. 

Emily E. 

A Good Friday Poem

As a girl, Good Friday meant nothing to me

Other than the day when I was set free -

Not from my sin or from Satan's grip,

But from homework and having to silently sit

Behind a desk being constantly bored. 

I never considered the death of our Lord. 

I grew up and still even then,

The weight of the day never sunk in. 

I still never truly, deeply believed

That there upon that gross wooden tree

Was strung a man who's cries didn't reach

The throne room of Heaven, a lesson to teach. 

I've basked in the glory of each Easter morn

But I've never considered the pain that was born

Three days before, when that last final shout

Trickled away and Christ's life burnt out. 

But this year I think everything's changed.

This year I am no longer estranged. 

Not from the pain, not from the hurt.

Something inside of me has come to convert. 

I am no longer a sinner, I have been set free

By that damned filthy cross on Calvary. 

And though we should mourn the loss of the Son

We know that today, it is not actually done. 

This year I am changed, it is completely different

I'm being washed whiter and whiter with each passing minute.

But this year is not about me, or what I  claim

It is all about Jesus who died so my name

Could be written in permanence this side of Heaven.

His glory is calling, it's constancy beckons.

This year Good Friday, it's all about peace

It's all about love, it's all about grief. 

This year I have finally let loose my chains,

And I can fully watch it again - 

The darkness of Gethsemane

Where Jesus bled out and was murdered for me.

On Good Friday we begin to open our hearts

And our minds to the celebration that starts

Come Sunday morning with the sunrise

As we look to the King with hope in our eyes

That it was not finished, death did not win

That we all may stand in glory with Him.

Because, Dear Christians, you see what is different...

I've said it before, but I've never meant it.

I didn't have hope, I didn't have trust

I lived my own life clouded by lust

For being my own savior, and saving myself.

Knowing full well I was putting God on the shelf. 

But never again, only One God reigns here. 

Never again shall I live in fear.

Nor shall I live controlled by my past

Or working for things that can never last. 

Now it is clear that I truly find peace

When I stop running and rest at his feet.

Those very same feet nailed to the cross

For that one final moment when all was thought lost. 

And yet though we all see it is Friday

We know in a short time...

There will come Sunday.

A new creation in Christ,
Emily E. 

Just Be Still

"Be still, and know that I am God..."

I have spent far too much time running. I have not necessarily been running from God, but I certainly have not been actively pursuing Him and His goals for me. Instead, I have walked off the narrow path and have been exploring the world around me, all while staying close enough to the path to feel safe. 

And maybe that is the danger in and of itself. I felt safe. I was not safe. In fact, I was in great, great danger of being attacked by the enemy and by myself and my own sinfulness. But I told myself I was just close enough. I fooled myself into believing I was safe .

Most people close to me understand that my greatest struggle - and what could be considered my biggest sin - is my independence. I have a problem with authority. I have control issues. I want everything to go according to the way it plays out in my head. I want everything to fall neatly into my plan. But at what cost?

Surely by now, after having been raised in a Christian household my entire life, and after having accepted the gift of salvation almost fifteen years ago, I would have come to realize that it is not about me. It was never about me, it was never about my desires. It was never about my ideal life. 

Recently, I have realized that although I thought I was doing fine, that I thought I was growing in my relationship with the Lord, I was actually remaining stagnant. Stagnant water is dirty water. Stagnant water cannot be beneficial to anyone. But maybe it has not even been a stagnant relationship. I have been actively pushing against God for years. Yet I look at my life, and I look fine. The actions were there. Just enough quiet times or bible studies to make it look like I am trying. Just the right amount of Sunday School interaction and involvement to make it look like I don't hate God. Just enough prayer. Just enough tears. Just enough hand-raising. 

It has always been just enough to seem genuine. I don't want to seem genuine. I want to be genuine. So, I have stopped pushing. I have stopped exploring. I have stepped back onto the path, and I am merely standing still. 

A friend said it perfectly when he said, "Isn't it nice that looking for God involves just staying put?" It is so very true. I still want to run. I still want things my own way. There is still a part of me that wants to fight it, kicking and screaming. But my own way does nothing good for me. It is a path of bitterness, deceit, and confusion. And so, I will stay put. I will crawl back to the path, broken, defeated, and tired. I will lift my hands up to my Father, and ask for his presence again. 

And I will be still. 

Emily E.