Just Be Still

"Be still, and know that I am God..."

I have spent far too much time running. I have not necessarily been running from God, but I certainly have not been actively pursuing Him and His goals for me. Instead, I have walked off the narrow path and have been exploring the world around me, all while staying close enough to the path to feel safe. 

And maybe that is the danger in and of itself. I felt safe. I was not safe. In fact, I was in great, great danger of being attacked by the enemy and by myself and my own sinfulness. But I told myself I was just close enough. I fooled myself into believing I was safe .

Most people close to me understand that my greatest struggle - and what could be considered my biggest sin - is my independence. I have a problem with authority. I have control issues. I want everything to go according to the way it plays out in my head. I want everything to fall neatly into my plan. But at what cost?

Surely by now, after having been raised in a Christian household my entire life, and after having accepted the gift of salvation almost fifteen years ago, I would have come to realize that it is not about me. It was never about me, it was never about my desires. It was never about my ideal life. 

Recently, I have realized that although I thought I was doing fine, that I thought I was growing in my relationship with the Lord, I was actually remaining stagnant. Stagnant water is dirty water. Stagnant water cannot be beneficial to anyone. But maybe it has not even been a stagnant relationship. I have been actively pushing against God for years. Yet I look at my life, and I look fine. The actions were there. Just enough quiet times or bible studies to make it look like I am trying. Just the right amount of Sunday School interaction and involvement to make it look like I don't hate God. Just enough prayer. Just enough tears. Just enough hand-raising. 

It has always been just enough to seem genuine. I don't want to seem genuine. I want to be genuine. So, I have stopped pushing. I have stopped exploring. I have stepped back onto the path, and I am merely standing still. 

A friend said it perfectly when he said, "Isn't it nice that looking for God involves just staying put?" It is so very true. I still want to run. I still want things my own way. There is still a part of me that wants to fight it, kicking and screaming. But my own way does nothing good for me. It is a path of bitterness, deceit, and confusion. And so, I will stay put. I will crawl back to the path, broken, defeated, and tired. I will lift my hands up to my Father, and ask for his presence again. 

And I will be still. 

Emily E.