My thoughts on Family

Thanksgiving and Christmas have come and gone, and I have realized two things about my family. One, I can't stand them. Two, I love them with all my heart.

If you are relatively close to your family, you will understand exactly what I am talking about. Some days, it is incredibly hard to want to be around your relatives and anyone else whom you share a blood relation with. And I don't write this with intent to be rude or mean, there are just things in everybody that I don't particularly like. And then I am obligated to interact with them for a whole day. It is very tiring.

But I love them all dearly. My family has taught me a lot of things. My family has taught me that no matter how much time we spend apart and not talking, we will always come back together as one. And this usually involves really good food. I've learned that every one has different ways of resolving conflicts, and some work and some don't. I've learned to be flexible. Plans change, people run late, things come up. I've also learned to to be open to people outside our families. If someone brings someone with them for you to meet, it's for good reason and they want to feel accepted and loved, just like your relative does. So be kind, and be open to change. And babies. Be open to dealing with rowdy and destructive babies. I find it funny, on my dad's side, we now have a new generation of cousins coming up. One is my brother, 4, one is our cousin, 3, and another is our second cousin once removed, 15 months. So that was an interesting Christmas.

Family is sometimes hard to be around, and that's okay, you can't choose your family, so sometimes you wind up being related to people who have no emotional connection with you. You just have to roll with it and take it as it comes. It'll be difficult, but you should always try to be kind, be courteous, and learn from them if you can. Because if there's another thing I've learned recently, is that your family isn't going to be around forever. I think maybe that's why all of my grandparents are being kind of weird lately. I think they all realize that life is getting shorter for them, and they want to make the best of it. My great-grandmother just passed away about two weeks ago, and it made me realize how wonderful she was. I could write a whole blog post on her, and I probably will, too. Anyway, it made me realize that our family are the most influential people within our lives, whether we like to admit that or not.

And there may be some of you who don't really have a family. And I want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry you will never get to have the experience of a happy Christmas. I'm sorry you don't get to enjoy conversation across the table with people who love you. Or maybe you have a family, but they aren't supportive of you. And again, I'm so sorry. But you are beautiful, and you are meaningful, and you are not a waste of space. You are more than their judgments, you are more than their rude remarks. You are you, and that is good.

Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year,
Emily E.

Let's Talk About Death

My life seems to be permeated with death and the possibility of it recently. After all of our pets went to the vet, all of them have issues that cost too much to fix, and now all we can do is make them as comfortable as possible until their deaths. My cat has something in her lungs and heart, we don't know what, but she probably won't last many more months. One dog has cancer, and it's growing rapidly. The other dog has an enlarged heart, and is just plain old. They will die soon, and it will be so hard to handle.

I received news today that my great-grandmother went to be with Jesus earlier this morning, and the memorial service will probably be this weekend. She had a stroke eleven days ago, and hadn't gained the ability to swallow back. She had made it clear to my grandmother and her siblings that she did not want a permanent feeding tube, so she was moved to a high quality hospice center for comfort care. Mom and dad were just talking last night about going to visit her this weekend if she made it that long. God prepared our hearts for the end, but it still hurts a bit.

My great-grandparents were some of the godliest people I have ever met, and they lived their lives with a purpose and a passion for God and lost people that I have never seen in any other people. They were a team, and they traveled the world together looking to spread the name of Jesus and His wonderful salvation. He passed away about two years ago, and now she can finally be with her husband again, without the pain of disease and old age. I know they both were shown some of their impact near their last days, with my great-grandfather holding the eighth edition of his Old Testament Theology book in his hands, and with my great-grandmother being sent notes of how her scholarship at Belmont University helped make education available to students. They had such an impact on the world, and I don't doubt that hundreds of lives have been changed because of their willingness to follow God.

Death for Christians should not be a painful thing. Death has no true power of us, we still live for eternity in Heaven. Death means no more pain, no more suffering, no more anguish, no more sin. But for those of us left here, it still hurts. Why? Because we don't want to see them gone. We are selfish, we want them here with us. But we should take comfort in knowing, that if they are a Christian, and we are as well, there will be a reunion in Heaven, and it will be beautiful and joyous.

"O Death, where is your sting? O Hades, where is your victory?" 1 Corinthians 15:55.
Emily

Bare Nakedness and the Problem of Privacy

Before you say anything, I am not going to talk about physical nakedness, okay. Just putting that out there.

No, I want to talk about spiritual and emotional nakedness. Because no one ever talks about that. I hear Christian leaders and bloggers say all the time, guard your heart, guard your heart, guard your heart. They say this in a way that does not mean, guard your heart from temptation, but rather you as a young women or young man need to put up walls so that no one can get to your heart, and see the real, genuine you. At least, that's how I've felt about it. And personally, that is what I've done. I've built up walls so no one can see who the genuine me is.

Do you want to know the genuine me? Well, get prepared.

I am dead.

What? Not what you were expecting? Me either. but it's true. I wake up so many days, and I feel dead. Dead to the world, dead to myself, dead in every sense of the word. But I am awake, and i am breathing, and my brain is functioning. So am I not dead? Or am I a zombie? functioning in the basic sense, but going through life as uninterested and lethargic as I have ever been? No, that can't be possible. I am a Christian, Christians aren't supposed to feel like this! But yet... I do.

And who can I talk to? I can't properly communicate with my parents about this. We've tried, it ended with me trying not to cry in a Chinese Buffet. My friends aren't in college, they aren't in similar situations to me. The two people that I used to turn to with questions have both moved to 4-6 hours away. I have no one who will understand. At least not here. so, I'm going to tell you all about it.

I have shut down. Emotionally, mentally, and I wouldn't be surprised that my body doesn't start shutting down and getting sick. I don't know how this happened, but I know that I hate it. I HATE living life in a blur, in a daze, going through the motions, not seeing, not feeling. And I can't find a way out.

Stress. This is what stress does. And it isn't acute stress, that which spurs you into action until you complete that which needs to be done. This is chronic, painful, overwhelming stress, and I don't think anyone understands that. I have a job that is constantly changing and screwing me over, I have classes that are coming to an end and one that I'm failing, I have things to be saving up for, and Christmas that I feel obligated to participate in, and applications to finish, and junk to get rid of, and it has swallowed me whole...

How did I let myself get this way? When did this happen? What is the point of going to college when I verge on the edge of a mental breakdown? How am I going to be a proper, productive adult in this society if I can't be productive within my own house?

And what do you care? Some people across the internet, on the other side of the computer screen, reading random words strung together. What amount of satisfaction does this bring to you? Why do you feel the ned to read my words, my stories? They do not affect your life, they do not have anything to do with you. But yet, here I am, pouring my broken, hurting soul and worries out to you. Is it going to make a difference? I don't know.

And if you are out there and you feel the same way, you aren't alone. We can get through this. I've always heard people say that the bad doesn't last forever, so it can't get much worse can it?

Emily E.