Love and Pain

So, this blog is a place where I let you all know what is going on in my  life as a Christian, as a college student, as a person, and it should be my top priority to first and foremost be as honest with you as I can possibly be. That being said, I have to tell you that I have not been writing very much lately because I just haven't felt inspired to write. When I do get some sort of inspiration, I am too busy with other things to write it then, and when I'm not busy, I've forgotten and the thought is long gone.

I think what has happened is I've reached a point of depression again. I am increasingly busy, with school, work, moving, and applying to Liberty taking up the majority of my time. I haven't had any one-on-one time with God in months, and it's taken it's toll on me and my outlook on life. I'm going through the motions, with no internal motivation behind my actions. I go to work, because I have to pay bills and save up money for college. I go to school so I can cut down on the total expense of college. I packed up and moved house because I still live with my family and I needed to. But what have I done for myself? I don't mean this in any selfish way, but I feel like I have completely neglected myself since the semester started.

To make matters worse, I have become emotionally exhausted. I've noticed over the past two weeks that I have the hardest time finding the good in things, I've been faster to snap at others than I used to, I hardly ever smile anymore. Joy seems nonexistent and happiness has all but packed up and left town. Every song I hear seems sad somehow, every face seems worn with sorrow. Even my pets seem to be slowing down and preparing for death. It is hard to go to sleep at night knowing I'll dream of when I was happy, when life didn't seem so miserable. It is hard to wake up in the mornings knowing that the day will bring me nothing but stress and anxiety.

I classify as an ENFJ personality, which stands for Extroverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Judging. This means that I prefer the association of my friends, especially my close ones, than being alone; I run based off of feeling rather than rational thought. And if my feelings are not right, I do not function normally or efficiently. While this definition may sound as if I am classifying myself like a robot, it is true. I am not myself when I am like this. I am mopey, complacent, rude, and sluggish. Motivation is nonexistent, thus I do only what is required and even then I do the minimum to succeed.

But what is the worst about this, is that I relish it. By that I mean, I take these negative emotions, bottle them away inside, and hold on to them while listening to sad songs. I listen until it physically hurts my heart. Then I get up, and find something that will distract me and make me feel halfway decent until then. I look for the next tv episode, the next movie, the next book, the next whatever to keep me preoccupied. And when that is done, I feel even worse than before.

So what is going to make me better? The only thing that can make me better. Love. Not love from my family, from my friends, from a boy. But love from God. Love from Jesus. I started crying on the way home the other day as I realized that as much as I want someone to come in and sweep me off my feet, to come and give me a different life, that someone already did. The only reason Jesus came to earth was to love me.

Jesus is the Prince of Heaven. He has the second highest position in the Universe and in Time. Yet for some reason, He left all of that behind so He could show me, prove to me that He loved me. Jesus was trying to woo me. Jesus was trying to woo me. He wanted me to see how much He loved me and was doing everything in His power to make me see it. Guys, if that's not love, then love does not exist. Love is the reason for Jesus' earthly existence. It is the only reason. No one will ever love me like Jesus does.

And that makes me hurt even more. Because He loves me so much, He gave me everything He could. He gave His life for me, so I can spend the rest of existence with Him. When you think of it this way, Jesus was His own dowry. Jesus paid the cost of my soul so that I could spend the rest of my life with Him. Guys, when Revelation says that we are the bride of Christ, we are literally the bride of Christ. When Jesus came to Earth, not only was He pursuing us and trying to win our hearts, but He was proposing to us. As a Christian, I am married to Christ. My soul is His just like my body would be my husband's were I married.

And what have I given in return? Nothing. I've given Him nothing. I gave Him one summer out of eighteen years of life, if anything. But what kind of gift is that? That is nothing, I have given nothing. I have not given my job, I have not given my education, I have not given my heart, my entertainment. I would make a terrible wife. Yet, Jesus has not disposed of me, He has not divorced me. Better yet, He has called back to me, asking for me to come back. And I will always come running back. No matter what else distracts me, pulls me away, or hurts me.

Because no one will ever give me what Jesus gave me. Because no one will ever be available like Jesus is. Because no on will ever love me like Jesus does.

Updates and Stuff

So...this is long overdue, and I'm incredibly sorry about that. After school started back in August, life kind of took over and...yeah. So, any way, here's what's been happening in my life for the past two months.

So obviously, school has started back, and that has consumed the majority of my time. I also started my first job, which I absolutely love! I've also moved up to the college and career group at church, which was a very awkward transition for me, but it's actually really nice.  So between those three things, my life has been pretty busy nonstop. And then, on top of all that, my family and I are moving house...again. It just wasn't working out with the place we are in right now, so we took that as a sign that this wasn't the house God wanted us in. We have been looking into different houses in the area, and we found one that is almost perfect for our needs as a foster family. Six bedrooms, four bathrooms; it is a truly incredible house. The best part is that it is a foreclosure, and the inside has been completely redone. New carpets, new paint, new appliances, everything. Since it was in foreclosure, it was at a price we could afford. We are so blessed to be getting this house. God provides what His children need when they are faithful to ask! So we are beginning the process of packing and moving once again.

Things haven't been all happy rainbow sunshine though. About a month ago, I started experiencing some difficulty breathing, and we couldn't figure out what it was. I went to Minute Clinic later that week (I was not paid to say that by the way), and they said it didn't sound like asthma or any kind of respiratory infection, so they sent me home. But not until they looked in my ears and found a hole in my left eardrum.

Now, for those of you who know me personally, you will probably remember when my right ear drum ruptured. For those of you who don't, here's what happened. Back in 2011, my youth group was playing a game that involved water balloons and obstacle courses. I had gotten up off the ground and was immediately hit by a water balloon that had just been thrown. It was a complete freak accident, but what happened was the balloon didn't pop when it hit me. Instead, the latex (or whatever balloons are made out of) ended up going into my ear a little bit, thus creating a vacuum. Obviously, it didn't just stick to the side of my head, so when it fell and hit the ground, the vacuum caused my ear drum to be completely ripped out. So, I ended up having to get it replaced, which was actually really cool. But now I have to get the left ear drum replaced and it's going to be a hassle and it is going to be a big pain for all of us.

Anyway, I went to my primary care doctor last week to follow up on the breathing problem. She did some tests, and took some chest X-rays and she said there are no signs of infections or that asthma has resurfaced, as I can breathe out fine. She said she's sending the X-rays to a specialist and if anything else is found they'll call us. While that makes me feel better that my asthma hasn't come back, it still bothers me. My mom believes it may be anxiety, my body's reaction to having to adjust to the "grown-up" life. Having to work, and pay for things on my own, and things like that. While I don't feel anxious, that doesn't mean my mind isn't.

So, that has been really limiting to me, as I've wanted to start working out and get healthier, but I can't exercise safely if I can't take a good breath. I've also been trying to pick the clarinet back up, and I can't play if I can't get a good breath. Also, I have an audition for clarinet for the school's music program next week, so I'm really excited for that.

So this seems really long, but it's been two months and there are things you need to know. Also, with all of the moving and stuff, it is probably safe to say that I won't have a lot of time to blog for the next few weeks. So, if you don't hear from me until November, that is why.

In Christ,
Emily E.